The Cycle Wins~
It has been deeply painful to not only have been judged from my earliest days, for my senstivity, my overwhelm, my limits, and that my existence has been regarded as a thing to be extinguished— invalidated, diminished, dehumanized. As if my very being has been designated as problematic and punishable.
In the eyes of my sons, they’ve made it clear: my struggle is self-imposed — the result of nothing but my own poor choices, as they see it.
I grieve that loss of grace, mercy, and human kindness from my boys, especially when it feels as if they learned their detachment -through indoctrination or proximity— not necessarily consciously, but absorbed it somehow, like secondhand smoke. This, this shift is not a thing I caused, it is the cycle which has been imposed, the indoctrination on both sides which has left siblings estranged and parents going to the grave with no contact from one of their children. My boys were each once incredibly loving, empathetic and kind with me, and they now behave as if it that to be a man andor a winner- is to be an unrelenting, never wrong (weak) asshole. This is the cursed cycle I had hoped to break or even survive. My failure at both is undeniable.
