I just sent this text to my boys and their father. I can’t help but worry about my older son—the only one showing up for me.
I want to say something out loud that maybe no one else will: Will is showing up for me in a way that I know costs him something. In a family where my pain has been dismissed and my worth debated, standing by me isn’t neutral—it’s brave. And I worry about what that costs him. The pressure, the judgment, the way love gets turned into betrayal depending on who he gives it to. I just needed to name that. Because it’s real. And it matters.
Will is the one person who’s shown up. I don’t take that for granted. But it’s not without cost.
This isn’t just a family. It’s a system. One where love gets twisted into disloyalty depending on who you give it to. Where supporting me doesn’t just mean caring—it means being on the wrong side of the crosshairs. Guilt by association.
And when a system like that feels threatened, it punishes. It isolates. It retaliates. I worry about what it’s costing Will to love me out loud in that kind of environment. About the pressure he’s under, not just from the weight of what I’m going through—but from the quiet (or not-so-quiet) ways others might be letting him know he’s “on the wrong side” for showing up for his mom.
He’s 18. He shouldn’t have to carry this. And the fact that it could be said by others that I AM DOING THIS TO HIM. The ones who choose to add to the emotional and psychologial gravity for him.
I love him enough to know he shouldn’t have to take this on alone.
But here we are.
I’m compelled to say it because I think he might feel it and not know how to name it. And maybe if I say it, he won’t feel as alone inside it.
I’m feeling deeply affected by those who understand sacrifice only as sacrificing others, rather than sacrificing for others. Why should Will feel anything but supported during this time? What kind of good person would add to his burden—or even fail to show up for him by asking what he needs and how to support him?
I don’t turn good people bad, kind people unkind, or loving people unloving.
