To call my medical journey traumatic is an understatement. But honestly, just navigating a highly overstimulating planet often feels like trauma.
So, I used to trust doctors implicitly—like-if one said I needed surgery or medication, I’d say Ok, Let’s do it.
I met with three surgeons—whom I experienced as ungenerous with care and time. Each pushed spinal fusion as the only option- not solution- just option – Get the surgery or get lost. So, I sought a well-trusted referral, someone widely recommended, and waited three painful months to see him—to schedule the surgery. He was generous with his time and information, AND advised against it—low chance of success, and no certainty it would even help the pain. The realization that someone would open and screw into my spine when it is not absolutely going to serve me, was devastating. But it tracks: those meant to care for me often have not.
I accessed 2ndWebMD, a resource through work. That specialist confirmed low success probability for me with spinal fusion—same reasons. And then the pain management circus. Unmanageable pain landed me in the ER twice before I resorted to family medical leave- unable to sit at a desk or even lie comfortably in my bed. Ironically, not having family or a partner to support me through surgery saved me.
I hit a low. Taken down by the cycle of chronic pain, bad care, and shit drugs. Then– a near fatal reaction left me hospitalized, and in treatment where I remained on the EXACT same meds—including —in fact- they upped the dose of my pain killer. Given that I don’t tolerate a glass of wine, caffeine after 1pm, an antihistamine, or a hit off a joint, I suppose this is unsurprsing. Hey, yeh, let’s try opioids and see how it goes.
I am so ready for new direction and alternatives.
The idea of being stuck in this RX protocol and in these circumstances forever has been unbearable. And today, I see a glimmer of a path. I originally relocated here for my mom, my kids, and my best friend. Now, with my older son having graduated and other relationships having shifted, those initial reasons no longer strongly anchor me to this home.
While it is heartbreaking, only in this way have I become open to selling my home- downsizing, relocating–offering me the chance to pay off hefty medical bills and our new HVAC. I welcome the shift. The option to relieve financial stress and panic and maybe even save some money feels life giving. To be able to grab a meal or a coffee out or take a trip….Previously I could afford no such things — these basics were far out of reach and that made for a painful way to live.
