What happens when alignment with one parent supports the rejection of the other?
What I’m experiencing with my son doesn’t feel like a sudden break. It feels like the outcome of a slow, sanctioned erosion of my role. His father—and other family members—modeled and rewarded a kind of contempt toward me that taught him early:
- my emotions and sensitivity are proof of defect and unworthiness (“You know how she is”),
- my authority is optional,
- my love is disposable.
That’s not passive alienation. That’s generational gaslighting. Parents, under the guise of protecting their children, shape entire worldviews around control, compliance, and the rejection of any voice that doesn’t mirror their own.
So no, my son didn’t come to this view of me on his own. It was programming. “Disregard your mother” was consistently modelled communicated in a variety of both overt and insidious ways, for years.
And to see me differently now—to meet me with kindness or curiosity—he’d have to question not just his father, but the framework which keeps him feeling strong, certain, safe. That’s a terrifying thing to do when you’ve been taught that closeness only comes through control, and that love is something you protect by picking the winning side.
