The Cycle:
In these relationships (my mom, sister, ex-husband, Younger son), there’s a deep avoidance of vulnerability. Struggling, being hurt, needing something — these are seen as weaknesses, something shameful. “Winners” don’t have hard feelings; they stay cool, invulnerable, and superior.
So when I express a hurt feeling, a need, a boundary — I am breaking the unspoken rule:
Don’t show weakness. Don’t make it messy. Don’t need anything.
Because I have violated that rule (by being open, human, vulnerable), the other person doesn’t meet me with curiosity or care.
Instead, they reflexively defend themselves — by counter- attacking.
They respond with vague accusations like “You’re critical, selfish, unreasonable,” without providing specifics or pointing to incidents that support their claims. When asked to elaborate, they say they refuse to “rehash” the issue. It’s as if they view any attempt to visit the topic as rehashing, even though it’s just a matter of clarification. As if– “You were upset about a thing, I was upset about something, it’s even- let’s move on.”
Why?
Because real conversation would mean facing their own discomfort, their own part — and in this system, discomfort = weakness = failure.
Instead, they aim to invalidate or cancel out my feelings by saying, “Well, you’re impossible,” with an active unwillingness to engage in constructive ways to illuminate my said offense, creating an opportunity for me to reflect and amend.
“When I persist in seeking clarity and a shared resolution, I am denied and dismissed as troublemaking— I am THE problem.” Not any one act, just my being. Wrong at a cellular level.
In short:
- I directly communicate a need or limit.
- They respond with vague counter-accusations.
- They refuse genuine engagement.
- They frame my need for clarity or repair as being combative or unreasonable.
- I’m punished/silenced/cast out/erased for needing, for feeling, for asking.
What This Dynamic Is Called:
- Defensive emotional shutdown (also called “stonewalling”)
- Gaslighting – “You do bad things. If you try to push for calrity on knowing and growing from the bad things, you are the bad thing.”
- Shame-based avoidance (they avoid their own shame of imperfection by punishing me for calling out something problematic- imperfect- messy)
- Invalidation (my needs are framed as wrong or unreasonable)
At its core, stonewalling creates an unsafe relational system, often reinforcing roles like the golden child and scapegoat, and facilitating triangulation, where third parties are used to manipulate and control the dynamic, preventing healthy communication and mutual understanding.
