Having believed that “I. Am. THE. Problem”– the designated cause for other people’s shame, pain, hostile silence, cruel words, and overall mental health could only be relieved through recovery and repair. That is NOT who I am–not ever who I was. But accepting that as truth, sure shaped me in some unfortunate ways. Scapegoating—That is how sick systems circumvent issues of the group and individual members.
What might it have been like to face the world with confidence of my worth and belonging, with just a little dignity, and hope? My mother thought herself exceptionally generous each time she reminded me of how she loved me, in spite of me. I suspect she loved me exactly as she had been loved. Unfortunately, I was not equipped for that brand of love. I failed absolutely at being a gracious recipient and participant.
Because difficult feelings are inadmissible, people in my family of origin prefer to offload discomfort rather than openly deal with it– leaving the culture ripe for secretive, gossipy, resentful, passive aggressive, petty– underhanded expressions of difficult things– because honestly admitting to/confronting emotional pain and struggle, we have been notified, is negative and shameful.
I had accepted, for decades, that what I needed– was a cure, when actually I required and deserved healing. And, that was forbidden. BECAUSE — If I needed to heal, that meant that I had been hurt. Labelling a person asshole difficult and trouble-making, is easier — because judgment requires nothing of us. Compassion, curiosity, and empathy, however, require humility, courage, faith, and patience. Blame and judgment are definitely preferred by many.
Who I am: a survivor, a newcomer to Faith and God, an HSP learning to live in an overstimulating world, a friend, a helper, a partner, a woman in recovery, a learning mom, a divorced person, a direct and transparent communicator, a woman of my word, a loyal employee and teammate, a considerate neighbor, a spiritually striving and developing soul, a work in progress. These are ways I choose to live and to love. I learned HOW, in my program of recovery.
