Silence

Not stoic enough to be silent or aloof,  I am practicing saying and doing nothing in response to underhanded invitations to enter into indirect conflict.  While I
now set boundaries for only myself, without arguing to be heard, my abstinence from standard entanglement is labelled abandonment—“cutting them off”  because that is how silence is used in my family.  I just say No.  Or Sorry that won’t work until it no longer makes sense to say it again.

So, I have mostly quieted my mouth, but my head still spins with all the things I wish to say or stop feeling and thinking. Silence with a trusted other is golden.

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Golden Memories

Thank you, Joel Osteen, for a reminder that life is about making memories.  Shared experiences and connections….rather than required and posed photos with others in close proximity.  I have too many photos suggestive of good times and connection and have been often saddened that the lack of posed photos in recent years is proof of the opposite.  Truth, I hide from the camera because pictures can lie…or worse, they can tell the truth!  For OUR 2016 Thanksgiving, however, it would have been nice to have someone snapping pictures on the down-low, of us just doing our thing, laughing, playing, being who we are.  Journalistic photos are my fave.  Posing genuinely 100% pains me.  I wouldn’t mind some photos of us, in action, enjoying ourselves each other.

In addition to OUR sweet Thanksgiving Day,  today, the Sunday after Thanksgiving (maybe the start of a ritual-memory making) we decorated both Christmas Trees, while listening to COUNTRY holiday music- taking breaks to throw football, walk dogs, and eat pizza.   I experience the joy in simple moments when I am present enough to just show up.  I don’t recall too many good moments in my life.  I recall pretending but not feeling truly good, present, visible, and welcome.  For special occasions, I must ride only with those who will help me push!
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The Key

Humbled and entertained to recall a time I broke my key off in the lock, and out of habit or training, I mentally condemned all who surely contributed—the lock manufacturer, the key cutter, the installer—my agitation invited me to contemplate cursing them each, individually.  It couldn’t have had anything to do with my forcing and jamming of the key.  Naaaah….Though, I do come from a long line of forcing, jamming, condemners.  I find it not possible to condemn and be grateful at the same time.
heart.key An article about the “practice of gratitude” was shared with me–starting by acknowledging each of the people whose efforts and jobs contribute to the ease and comfort of my life. I woke too early this morning and gave it a try.  First, my soft jersey sheets, thinking of those who planted and picked the cotton, those who packed it and shipped it, those who cleaned it and dyed it beautiful red, those who turned it from fiber to cloth, cut and sewed it into sheets…and of course those who made it available at Target.   It is infinite to think of every pair of hands that went into the making and buying of my lovely sheets. I intend to make this a practice and to model it for my children.  It is an simple idea and a fantastic way to be intentional and mindful of gratitude-offering a direct path out my headspace when it is unwholesome.  Often times, a trip to Target is the only thing that soothes me from troublesome thinking.  Seriously.

Gratitudemakes you want to give to the world.  Being thankful or glad something happened is different from being grateful.  For me, gratitude manifests into wholesome giving, often to those who can do nothing for me.  A giving that requires no recognition.

Gratitude is key.  Gratitude is badAss!

Best Day Ever

Keep It SimpleFirst mellllllllow Thanksgiving ever:  Greg and I grimaced over the 7 menu items actually requiring work, imagining the stress of those with a vision for exactly how the grand feast must be presented and received.  Probably, easier done without consideration for children and individual preferences.   We were relaxed about our “plan”, and still– managing timing the dishes to be throughly cooked and hot -at all at once, felt challenging.  S1 announced that he was “starving” before the meal was fully prepared. So, he ate his meal in courses, while S2 and Greg’s son played outside-before the official Feast time.

Greg did the turkey breast, cringing for removal, with surgical precision, each of the less nice parts.  I love that we are united in our stance about wiggly meat and yucky parts. I grilled flank steaks as my alternative to the traditional holiday meats.   A nice compliment to Greg’s turkey, the potatoes, corn pudding, stuffing, and green beans. For dessert for my team enjoyed pumpkin pie hidden beneath mountains of whipped cream, while Team Greg had Chocolate Cream Pie. Everybody got to be, do, and eat as they like. Now, that is Thanksgiving! (more…)

Thanksgiving Thoughts for Those Contemplating No Contact

screen-shot-2016-11-24-at-7-50-32-amToday’s post is for those who are suffering; doubting their worthiness. Nothing like special occasions to revive the myth that we, the unlovable, must hustle for our worth- that there are pre-requisites for unconditional belonging and nurturing love. There are those among us who understand and embrace our responsibility to share our experience and courage to Change the Things We Can.

Holidays, birthdays, and my wedding too, were times of dread, anxiety, and despair, and of course shame for not being a more happy and light-hearted and good person. “What is her problem?” “Why does she have to ruin everything? Why must she be impossible?” “Why cant she just smile for the picture?”  Un-ironically(Is that even a word?), I knowingly entered into a marriage equally nurturing, mirroring that dynamic, which for the first 32 years of my life, made me long for death.  Call me dramatic, whatever.  This is my story.

Looking back, I see that I was ill for most occasions. Vomiting has always been my natural and given response to stress and an immense source of relief for me.  My body knows the truth–keeps the score. (more…)

Big Heart–Big Boundaries

screen-shot-2016-11-22-at-10-33-49-amMost of my life, I have wished for the ability to Act As If

Being intensely feeling in an insensitive world does have a priceless upside:   Informed and compassionate, I  support my older son (S1) who is also highly sensitive with neurological differences making him more vulnerable to sensory input as well as emotional energy.  Atypical wiring holds our Limbic Systems at full throttle 24/7 .  A constant state of “fight or flight” causes fatigue, and lessens resilience to stress.  In my family, two of the kinder labels for this, were difficult and thin-skinned.

 

Without familiarity, I would be unable, perhaps unwilling to protect and empathize as children deserve.  S1 becomes emotional over perceived  unfairness or unkindness occurring in those subtle and hard to name ways.  His large reaction can steal the show and focus might be directed at teaching shaming him into gaining control of himself–purely to avoid punishment.  With little inquiry or action around understanding the  subtle or mistaken “offense”.

 

Whatever the offense, it will go dismissed unaddressed by those not wired to understand.  Granted, there are times where he is overtired and ovehard timer-reacting…but not always the case.  He recognizes the difference and we get to laugh later when he is ready to share without shame, that he was too tired to cope and had decomposed into crazy cryer.  Demonstrating how it is real and ok to be sensitive allows him to know when it is necessary to seek serenity and safety  (more…)

Happy? Birthday

giftHello Friends,  Last month, my Darling stumped me with “So…what do you want for your birthday?”.

In a tone suggesting, “Please don’t make me think about it.”, my knee-jerk response was “I don’t know”.

Asked by some, “What do you want for your birthday?”, I might say:  “Nothing, really”, name something they’d enjoy getting me, OR roll the dice and share the truth-and wind up with a “gift” indicative of not being heard or valued. (more…)

Greasy Hair and Furry Legs

For so long, I might only shave my legs or wear good undies, outfit, or make up if I were to be seen by “someone good”.  Sad but true.  Now, I choose these things for me, for my own self-care.  Self care is unnatural for me.  So much easier to neglect myself.   I’m no longer motivated by the opinions of those once who wish to hand down their judgment or favor. Big News—the judgers do not have what I need. Their opinions are not my business and I need not turn to them to see where I stand.  I don’t need permission to take good care of myself and I don’t do it at them. I have learned to do it because it is responsible and satisfying. I am amused by my bragging of allowing my hairS to become greasy, my legs to go from prickly- to furry, to those who need to judge.

I recognize that there are times for which evidence of artful makeup, grooming, and outfitting are called.  Times where they are desired.  AND Times in which it is totally unnecessary to concern myself.  My worthiness is real, no matter. And my self-esteem tells me so. (more…)

Even the Best of Us

“Even the best of us are at least part-time bastards.”

By:  Mary Karr:  The Liar’s Club