Holiday Performances-Broken Enough to Feel, Foolish Enough to Share

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Feeling concerned for the fallout of  saying NO to the gracious awkward invitation to sit at the table with people who cast me out harshly and publicly and then demand request my appearance, I began researching how to proceed—even with my unfortunate and evil ways, of course.  See, I am called to continually get over hurtful and damaging things directed at me.  To act as if…

My non-coercibility has earned me the title of withholding, deserving, imagining, or causing the unkindness- which persists in this way, each time I show up for more.  My recovery teaches me that I no longer have to volunteer for this.  I no longer participate in my own abuse.

The abusive words and behaviors are denied entirely, labelled as my wrong perceptions, or defended as facts–sworn and believed to come from a place of honor and rightness– not hurt or anger. Hurt and anger are for losers like me.   Broken enough to feel and foolish enough to share.   Saddened I am, by the reminder that healing and hope for myself exist only in the absence of these dynamics.  I suppose the relief  is in knowing that this sickness is not uncommon and I am not alone.   Bad news, I cant cure or change it, I can avoid it.  Dear Family, I am unable to attend the 2016 Christmas Performance dinner.  Please accept this  as my rsvp.

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Silence- Not Equal to Peace and Grace

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Silence can indeed be a form of grace and peace.  However, when it is the requirement or expectation by one party for another to be silent, it is oppressive and bullying.  When communication and acknowledgment are withheld, that is passive aggressive, coward bullshit  unwholesome and unloving.

For those with pinched smiles and silent nods striving for a Pollyanna vibe, it is a choice to refrain…but to judge and alienate those with the courage to speak, is nasty…not gracious.  Speaking up in peace and love, especially when awkward or scary, to elevate, is God’s work.  God and love do not demand silence. Can there even be grace without kindness?  Kindness– the energy of love, not a social or friendly posture/persona.

Greg and I enjoy and need silent time, together and apart; the peaceful kind that allows us to recharge…wholesome, not confusing, banishing, or scary.  I am grateful to know the distinction between wholesome silence and the icky controlling silence- my cue to get some space.

 

Today is Difficult

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I have received information- more of the sort which I feel unable  to accept or change.  I feel knocked down.  With two little guys that count on me to get back up,  I do.  Maybe one day, I will do it for myself.  For today, I do it for them.  I acknowledge difficult times and feeeeeling defeated– AND I model putting one foot in front of the other anyway…stalking GOD as if my life depends on it.  I could not do it alone.   My day is now brighter as I turn into the light of my  Good Orderly Direction and away from the invitation to jump in the ring.  I’ve got this!

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Love a Promise, Not an Emotion

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When my boys were 5 and 6 years old, after the successive passing of two acquaintances and our family pet-

S2:   Why did they die?

Me: When our bodies grow too tired and weak, our bodies die and we go to Heaven.    

S1:  Does it hurt?

Me:  I don’t think so.  We arrive whole and healthy again in Heaven-a place where all things are good, nobody is sick, mean, afraid or hurting.  In Heaven, we are with those whom we love and who love us.   

S2:  Will King Simon get his eye back?  Me:  Yes, he will have both of his eyes.

S1: Do bad guys go to heaven?

Me:  They do.  Doing bad things is part of their brokenness and in Heaven, they are no longer broken.

S2:  Do we still have to take naps?

Me:  Only when we feel like it.

S1:  Will you will get there before us?

Me:  Typically mommies and daddies go first.

S1:  How will we find you?

Me:  It will be like when I pick you up from school- you are waiting behind the gate and we just find each other.  I will be there.  They were satisfied with that.  So. Am. I.(This makes me cry each time I consider it) (more…)

Fearless Authenticity-I Heart the Dowager

Watching DTA in binge fashion, I find myself utterly and madly in love with The Dowager.  Her values and poise, I do not relate to–  Irresistibly lovable for her priceless authenticity- unyielding to anything outside of  her principles.  She is the ultimate BadAss–even with zero spirituality, she is completely honorable.  Probably for abiding by a Power Greater than Her Self to guide her every move.  screen-shot-2016-12-02-at-9-14-53-pm

Kindness Comes from the Kind-hearted

screen-shot-2016-12-06-at-9-13-12-pmA lovely couple, from two doors down, welcomed us to the community with a platter of warm, loving cookies-and have remained consistently kind-hearted, available, and interested. To me, this is both humbling and remarkable.  People often present as  “friendly” for the sake of the optical but are often simultaneously disinterested and unkind.

I am definitely not a friendly person by nature.  But– I have learned to be kind–not to be confused with: being social, people pleasing, or willing to hustle for my worth.  Lacking a need to be perceived as friendly, people concerned with appearances are threatened confused by me.  Trusted Others –recognize this:  Not always wearing a smile, I will help any person in need, without being asked and regardless if I like or “approve” of them.   (more…)

Courage and Vulnerability

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.
Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they ARE NEVER weakness.”  Brene Brown

I acknowledge, daily–that most people just aren’t into this.  In fact….it is frequently a highly judged deal breaker.  I am ok with not having deals with those threatened put off by “vulnerability”.  Option 1:  be judged as one who makes waves Option 2: swim with the sharks.  I choose waves over sharks.  My vulnerability serves well as a highly effective filter.  Trusted Others embrace vulnerability, their own, and others.

Vulnerability takes courage and is 100% BadAss!

This talk changed my life.  I love you,  Dr. Brené Brown.   https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

What Is Love?

 

Driving through Compton, my boys, knowing just enough about the area,  questioned a billboard boasting,  “We love Compton” inside a giant red heart.  Baffled, they asked–  “Why would anyone love Compton?”  The organic opportunity to explore and share my thoughts on love in the moment was pretty sweet– that love is not just for people and things when they please us or make us feel good– That just means we enjoy them.  The billboard is communicating that there are people who care for Compton and are contributing to better living for the families of a  struggling community.  Laughing, I added- “While I always want what is best for you, you don’t always make me feel good, nor do I always enjoy you.  But, I do and always will love you.” (more…)

Loyalty

Discovering loyalty, which, fingers crossed, will come bundled with learning to forgive betrayal-  is a BIIIIIG part of my journey.  Forgiveness is something I struggle to do the way my family demands grasp.  Or maybe I fully understand it and am ill-at-ease with the fact that my definition  not accepted, by those who do not accept me differs from those who think it means pretending It never happened. Deep sigh. (more…)

Silence

Not stoic enough to be silent or aloof,  I am practicing saying and doing nothing in response to underhanded invitations to enter into indirect conflict.  While I
now set boundaries for only myself, without arguing to be heard, my abstinence from standard entanglement is labelled abandonment—“cutting them off”  because that is how silence is used in my family.  I just say No.  Or Sorry that won’t work until it no longer makes sense to say it again.

So, I have mostly quieted my mouth, but my head still spins with all the things I wish to say or stop feeling and thinking. Silence with a trusted other is golden.

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