Forgiveness

I have heard it said that “Forgiveness requires more than the intellectual commitment to do so.”

Years of seeking a definition that I can work with,  I think I this is IT.

“Forgiveness means it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back. You’re done. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to have lunch with the person. If you keep hitting back, you stay trapped in the nightmare…”

― Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith

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WBA-Terminology

What these words mean to me:

Wholesome-spiritually /principle driven. (In my life, my principles are static-unchanged by my mood or reaction. Mine are those of a 12 Step Fellowship.)  When I am in alignment with my program principles, I am wholesome.

BadAss– Grit, courage and resolve. Strength of character.  When I walk head on, through what I think I cannot manage– with only my courage and faith, I feel BadAss.  When I resist the invitation to jump into the ring, I am a BadAss.  When I say, Sorry that won’t work out, without defense, I am BadAss.  When I revere my Good Orderly Direction more than my concern with another persons’s reaction, I AM A BADASS.

Accepting an uncomfortable truth, an unpleasant fact.  Accepting that there is nothing to be done about it and Just doing the next right thing.  Courage and Faith are the only reasons I have not reacted more to the behaviors and words of my family.

Courage– Facing pain and fear with faith in Good Orderly Direction. (more…)

Big Effen Surrender

Big Surrender

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Today, I did something different. When I wanted to react, when I wanted to retaliate, to enlighten, I did nothing. I let it be. I cried. I shared with trusted others.  I cried.  And I let it be. That is a miracle.  The situation is very non-miracle.  My response to it-100% miracle.  Willingness to do things differently to not do and say as I feel called to do by habit, will, or ego.  100%!

                        “the gift of an unexpressed thought“–  Big Surrender

Fearless Humor–Only a BadAss Would Own this Thinking

We Who Are Your Closest Friends

by Phillip Lopate

 

we who are

your closest friends

feel the time

has come to tell you

that every Thursday

we have been meeting

as a group

to devise ways

to keep you

in perpetual uncertainty

frustration

discontent and

torture

by neither loving you

as much as you want

nor cutting you adrift

 

your analyst is

in on it

plus your boyfriend

and your ex-husband

and we have pledged

to disappoint you

as long as you need us

 

in announcing our

association

we realize we have

placed in your hands

a possible antidote

against uncertainty

indeed against ourselves

but since our Thursday nights

have brought us

to a community of purpose

rare in itself

with you as

the natural center

we feel hopeful you

will continue to make

unreasonable

demands for affection

if not as a consequence

of your

disastrous personality

 

then for the good of the collective.

Absolute Authenticity Has Its Price

self-loveMy commitment to living, loving, serving, and feeling with my whole heart is separating me from historical relations which require that I stay on script and come on cue.  It feels as though it I am consistently admonished:  “Fuck you for going off script! Who do you think you are?”  Those words not spoken, but the message is clear.

I may not fully yet know who I am.  But I do know—that I am worthy of love and kindness, which prevents me from staying on the script.  #Sorrynotsorry.

I will take my cues from and keep close to the courageous, humble, and vulnerable.  For only theirs are opinions to be considered.   Owning without apology,  all of who they are, holding an expectation that I do the same.  This is not for everyone….but definitely the badAsses.  Wholesome BadAsses-thriving together in expansion; mine, yours–contraction will. not. do.

 

BadAss Lil Warrior

2015425My mother after her 6th chemo treatment. I think she looks like a beautiful courageous warrior.   When I see women in scarves or head covers. I want to bow to them.   Total badasses. Not pretending or hiding or flaunting. Just living and fighting the good fight.

Will you look at her!!!! amazing. I love love love this pic. The vulnerability and courage are breathtaking. I told her I loved her skull. That it was so perfectly formed and that mine would look like a softening and over ripened peach… I don’t love the cancer or that she has to be bald. But I do love her skull and her spirit and this picture, this moment where she let me try different head covers on her and even smiled for her picture. My mother now thinks I am more peculiar than ever for loving her skull and saying so without apology. I wanted to smooch it…badly– and pet it. I am her baby bunny and she will always be my mama squirrel.

Each, perfect and lovely. Both rock…just not usually together.  For too long I accepted my role as broken squirrel when I was not condemning her as evil bunny.

I love you, Mom.

Addendum 11.17.16  Only, I will no longer  abandon my well being to prove it.

GOD’s Grace

In 2010, my now ex-husband left our home per court direction. But, only after intentionally draining us/me financially. Today, five years into my spiritual recovery, the two of us are collaborating to relocate our family cross-country, together (into separate homes, of course). We still differ fundamentally — at cellular levels…. And i now see this, not as a problem, but a fact.

Spiritual direction allows me the choice to respond maturely, at times with grace, to differences & disturbances. With the good orderly direction of my program, i choose more wholesome behavior for myself, allowing me to transcend the pain of my old ways. Before, my reactions (and initiatives) were more bad and more assy, than wholesome or badass. (more…)

Love is the Answer

I need not worry about what to say or do.
I just need to love.
Love (the verb) is the answer.  Always.
Love does not require abandoning my truth.

This does not mean all will be pleased.  And another’s displeasure is not proof of harm.

Different Kinds of Love

Two of my post divorce relationship exes are currently on my radar. I cared deeply for each of these men. Both relationships unfolded in similar ways.

It has been the story of my life to tether myself to people who simultaneously with one hand motion me to come closer and with the other, motion for me to stop or back up.

Today,  an inbound stream of sweet texts  tempted me to engage. I resisted. Until….he said

“i miss you like crazy”.

I paused….and with total love in my heart was able to respond:

“I miss you too, but I do not miss confusion”.

What a miracle. It felt clean, wholesome, loving, & honest….even a little badass….so much better than telling him about himself.  I am surrendering my job as giver of enlightenment.

We all just get to be who we are. And be honest about what works. Right?