Alone in the car with my younger son, today, I pretended to take credit for saying something fantastic, a quote which actually came directly from him. He was like: “Mawm, I said that, not you.” In all seriousness,straight-faced, I replied; “Nah-aaaaah, I am totally the one who said it.” He was rightly disturbed- I admitted to playing and went on to share about about gas-lighting–how it can make a person feel crazy when someone repeatedly insists that things are different from how they know them to be. I explained how gas-lighting is a real thing that some people do- and that it is a form of abuse. He recalled how his bully did that to him in 4th grade(which he then began doing relentlessly to his brother(we have nearly fully recovered over the course of a year)) I explained how it is especially troublesome when a person who is older or in a position of authority, whom is believed to be trustworthy, does this to a person who must depend on them. The person being gaslit will begin to doubt everything, lose trust first in themselves, and then in others. And that is an impossibly scary way to be in the world. Depression and anxiety often result and can sometimes be healed. I stopped with that.
We have a deal, my sons and I– If they ever catch me in a lie, of any sort, I will pay them $500 each, on the spot. I do not have $500!! We have clarified what makes a lie a lie, is when person intentionally conveys a message which they know to be untrue or inaccurate. Anytime they doubt me, which is rare, I just say “Why would I lie? I have no reason to lie. To anyone. I am not afraid or trying to get anything.” Plus, I now have faith and courage. Yay,me, finally. (more…)
I am now recognizing how, after moving here, if we would have continued as a blended, healing, fixed family with my FOO, my ex, my kids and myself, that would have kept me in some sort of center position, like I would have been at the hub, not in the driver’s seat, but the common link. I see how unsettling this would be to my sister, who works hard to reside IN the center. And it is undeniable that for my sister and my ex, the desire to punish me runs deep. For each of their decades of attempts to control me leave them feeling less powerful and important than their egos can bear. (more…)