Author: Magda Gee

This author has written 570 articles

The Legacy of Rage

I contemplated deleting my last post because of all of the evidence of my anger–having difficult feelings is proof of defectiveness in my FOO, and cause for dismissal or debate.  In my family of origin, I was the feeler, the over feeler, the overly sensitive one.  Unable to mask or deny pain, anger, joy, confusion.  I was not shown or taught to effectively manage my emotions in healthy ways.  In recovery, I have learned that we cannot selectively numb feelings.  Efforts to numb pain also block other feelings like joy and peace.  So, I have all of these intense emotions, all of the feels, and I am trying to learn how to feel them AND not be
controlled by them.  I am not ashamed of experiencing anger.  Though my sometimes reactive behaviors do not elevate my self esteem.  What does elevate it, is the practice of reflecting on it and being willing to own and amend what I can.   My diminishing words & behavior are a reaction–a

reflection of what is going on inside me in that moment, usually fear can be found at the root.  Deep sigh. (more…)

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Serves You Right

I was raised on this line…frequently when I reported something personally difficult, unpleasant, or painful: physically or emotionally, I was told “serves you right”.  The alternative response- a debate aimed at making me believe that I was imagining or misunderstanding my feelings and reality.  The comfort was, I also heard they S.Y.R -message directed at all unfortunates in the world  “serves them right”  –clearly natural consequences for being asshole enough to voice that you might think, want, or feel differently from how my “family” did.  So in this way only, I was not unique or alone. And so, I too hated all of them along side my family, and for obvious reasons, this made me lonelier and more terrified of life and people. Shared judgment and hate don’t make for a solid foundation of lasting and meaningful connection.  It was not a hopeful point of departure.

I still hear the haunting message “Serves you right” and feel shame for things that would not cause shame for emotionally secure people, raised with a healthy senses of self, security, belonging, and boundaries. (more…)

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Parenting and Power Struggles

Just SwinginMy parenting game is NOT on point these days. Quick to jump in the ring with my son…I am not so unlike that defeated, blood and sweat covered boxer just swingin’ and hopin’ to connect. Neither dignity nor peace have been won in this way. Shit shit shit—healthy engagement has not been modeled for me and it is unnatural and hard AF. (more…)

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Food and Truth-In Abundance

The night seemed long. Wilbur’s stomach was empty and his mind was full. And when your stomach is empty and your mind is full, it’s always hard to sleep.

FOOD & TRUTH–Two things I was starved and desperate for, much of my life. Naturally, I developed food and trust issues which manifested in some pretty destructive ways.   Living in a perpetual state of fear, uncertainty, and hunger will drive some very desperate thinking. Being frightened and hungry also made it difficult to fully get adequate rest. Like Winnie the Pooh says  “going to bed with a full head and an empty stomach” is rough.  So then, throw sleep deprivation in the mix within a home, pulsing with unspeakable rage and shame—what a mess.  My inability to manage was viewed as the problem rather than the symptom– typical in these arrangements.  I was the canary, scapegoat, black sheep.  (I will add here, that truth can be subjective.  However, TRUST is what I offer my boys  truth and trust- stability.)  My experience, coming up in the world doubting myself and all others, especially those I counted on.  That was a difficult row to hoe.  The way we live and love, in our home, is rooted in immense trust in each other and faith in goodness.  This way of living, loving, and parenting is one of the many miracles of recovery. (more…)

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One Goal 100% of the Time

To remain committed to my spiritual striving is my only Goal.  The singular challenge greater than the massive unlearning– is accepting the fact that my wellness and wholeness permanently divide me from those whom rely on me to be broken, confused, ashamed–with desires to contract/conform and to please greater thinly need to expand.  (more…)

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Am I an Asshole-I Don’t Think So(anymore)

I hesitate to share when things are going well because if I recap more than a single minute, I easily get spun up in the axle –the entire history of it all, IT: being the “dynamic” of my (FOO)family of origin. I was, for a stretch, enjoying the perks of total estrangement from my FOO and all affiliated, with the exception of my ex and our children, when my mother’s sister emailed Wednesday with an invite for breakfast this weekend.   Both anxiety and grief were my immediate gut reactions. It is too a complex a relationship for each of us, full disclosure and authenticity are not well tolerated and our connection is not blessed by the others, which creates hardship for her.   I believe she and I are similar in unmentionable ways (sensitive and vocal about being sensitive which troublesome to those who are not(the rest of them)) and it is just too elephant in the roomish and eggshelly for me. I am no good at that and forcing it feels more difficult than wise. (more…)

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