Mary Karr-- 100% Badass- courageously voicing what most dare not admit and rather not hear. Enjoying her narration of her memoir, Lit. Feeling giddy and motivated by her first, angry, tight lipped prayer: "Higher Power-where the fuck have…
While grubbing Greg’s tasty taco/nacho “NYE dinner” – for no good reason, I clicked an email notification from my mother, a generous re-offering that I “get over it and we can be a family”. I am over it, just intentionally unavailable for more. Why isn’t it, instead, my older sister’s task to stop saying and doing harmful and divisive things OR to just apologize for losing her shit AT me-so we can BE A FAMILY? Why ask why? Yawn. Why are you still on this topic? Let it go, M. Get back to Greg and your paper-plated tacos. Your mother and sister are not interested in what you feel or need. You need to start a new year , already. Wake me when something actually changes. (more…)
When a person touches us and it feels wrong, IT IS. 100% unacceptable– to be touched in ways that feel yucky, unwanted, unwholesome. IT happening, is the beginning. After the moment passes, the wreckage persists- governing all that will follow. My downward spiral continued until…. I realized I could no longer continue suffering, struggling, thinking, fearing as I had for decades. The Gift Of Desperation— 100% clarity– IT(the residual insanity) shall no longer be denied or allowed to continue. GOD and faith replaced fear and shame, as my new navigational tools. Today, I am led by Good Orderly Direction.
Being unable at the time to identify and articulate confusing encounters with my older sister (and later, others), resulted in 
incomprehensible demoralization. I became “inexplicably” hysterical while she remained artfully buttoned up. And from there it unfolded. The impossible girl who can’t cope and the seemingly unruffled older sister, going along as if her only real issue is her troubling sister. She scored a shit-load of traction off of my hysteria. In fact, it saved defined elevated her. The dynamic made me want to disappear- to which I dedicated impressive efforts. I used geography, alcohol, drugs, men, men on drugs, food-lots of food, no food.
Dear Mom,
I have confidence that you will find countless, possibly un or subconscious ways to reject me, put me in my place before you are finished with me. I find your support of my sister’s abuse from my earliest memories to be unforgivable. You want peace, maybe a single effort or word, authentically suggestive of healing would be a start. You denied me a loving and safe childhood and now knowingly behave in ways that diminish my serenity as an adult. If your passing, is the only thing to prevent you from harming me further, well that is a devastating truth. I will no longer allow you to cherry pick from my life- denying and attacking the parts you don’t favor and grabbing righteously at the parts that please you. “Low hanging fruits”–keeps coming to mind. (more…)
December 26,2016
Dear Self,
Re: the Matter of Your Female Progenitor and Sibling:
Enjoy the esteem of knowing, you have shown up and have given more than most can understand. You stayed. You refused the urge to retaliate and to run from what is. You stood, upright(mostly) with open arms and hands, asking begging “What can we do to improve things?” Those are behaviors of a wholesome badAss 100%. You showed up for your family and yourself-resisting the invitation to the war they waged. They needed for you to participate in the drama and you felt the call—and resisted. Fk yeh! (more…)
Santa surprised us by delivering a day early. Boys received what must surely complete our collection of all the latest nerf artillery. The Mega-Mastadon unloads a full round of 24 sausage sized bullets at high speed. My lil SPD is unaffected by high impact to his skin. Seriously, he had second degree burns as a toddler and barely flinched, received most of his vaccinations without a peep and generally does not know the source of his bruises. So, what he easily forgets is that most of us are more sensitive in this way and some people are especially sensitive…not just physically but emotionally also. (more…)
On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 2:36 PM, <c(my sister cc'd my mother)> wrote: amen C Catherine G Whitney Charlotte NC On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 12:59 PM, <m>…
I turned this online quote into a lil Christmas tree reminder of what I have to celebrate this holiday season. BadAss Friends! Time and energy wasting, retreating from wholesome connection- leaving myself utterly joyless and 100% unfun STOPS now. I must redirect myself as many times as it takes- to celebrate and honor YOU! Today, I will intentionally acknowledge the unconditional love and kindness, laughter and tenderness, of those who will openly and kindly disagree with me and treasure me. That is BadAss Love!
In the past 18 months, I have disappeared almost entirely, from my Trusted Others OR am crying AT them to gasp in awe, with me at the tooootallly consistent behaviors of my MCRs…. pawing for validation of, or soothing from the emotional violence directed at me. BadAss Friends listen. They love (the verb-not the feeling) They do not judge or disappear, no matter how tiring and repetitive. Thank you. (more…)
It’s not the most wonderful time of the year for everyone. For those of who’ve lost family members to death or estrangement, the holidays are difficult. To cope, some drop from bridges into oncoming traffic while others soldier through with as many drinks or slices of pie as it takes, any number of ways to numb, more socially acceptable than honestly addressing the feelings and behaviors which would be a step toward healing and lasting connection. I stand in solidarity with all who feel weepy, anxious, maybe even ashamed at this time of year. Disconnection, on days in which the calendar and social media are intended as proof of connection, is difficult. I ♥Brene Brown’s live-changing TED Talk on Vulnerability. I am not yet healed, but now on the path to healing. (more…)
Over the summer, we discovered a rather large (imho-6 ft long) black snake in my garage. My boyfriend and I bonded and laughed immensely over our efforts to corral it outside. I notified Greg that if…
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