Today is Difficult
I have received information- more of the sort which I feel unable to accept or change. I feel knocked down. With two little guys that count on me to get back up, I…
Love a Promise, Not an Emotion
When my boys were 5 and 6 years old, after the successive passing of two acquaintances and our family pet-
S2: Why did they die?
Me: When our bodies grow too tired and weak, our bodies die and we go to Heaven.
S1: Does it hurt?
Me: I don’t think so. We arrive whole and healthy again in Heaven-a place where all things are good, nobody is sick, mean, afraid or hurting. In Heaven, we are with those whom we love and who love us.
S2: Will King Simon get his eye back? Me: Yes, he will have both of his eyes.
S1: Do bad guys go to heaven?
Me: They do. Doing bad things is part of their brokenness and in Heaven, they are no longer broken.
S2: Do we still have to take naps?
Me: Only when we feel like it.
S1: Will you will get there before us?
Me: Typically mommies and daddies go first.
S1: How will we find you?
Me: It will be like when I pick you up from school- you are waiting behind the gate and we just find each other. I will be there. They were satisfied with that. So. Am. I.(This makes me cry each time I consider it) (more…)
Fearless Authenticity-I Heart the Dowager
Watching DTA in binge fashion, I find myself utterly and madly in love with The Dowager. Her values and poise, I do not relate to-- Irresistibly lovable for her priceless authenticity- unyielding…
Kindness Comes from the Kind-hearted
A lovely couple, from two doors down, welcomed us to the community with a platter of warm, loving cookies-and have remained consistently kind-hearted, available, and interested. To me, this is both humbling and remarkable. People often present as “friendly” for the sake of the optical but are often simultaneously disinterested and unkind.
I am definitely not a friendly person by nature. But– I have learned to be kind–not to be confused with: being social, people pleasing, or willing to hustle for my worth. Lacking a need to be perceived as friendly, people concerned with appearances are threatened confused by me. Trusted Others –recognize this: Not always wearing a smile, I will help any person in need, without being asked and regardless if I like or “approve” of them. (more…)
Courage and Vulnerability
"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they ARE NEVER weakness." Brene Brown I acknowledge, daily--that most people just aren't into this. In fact....it…
What Is Love?
Driving through Compton, my boys, knowing just enough about the area, questioned a billboard boasting, “We love Compton” inside a giant red heart. Baffled, they asked– “Why would anyone love Compton?” The organic opportunity to explore and share my thoughts on love in the moment was pretty sweet– that love is not just for people and things when they please us or make us feel good– That just means we enjoy them. The billboard is communicating that there are people who care for Compton and are contributing to better living for the families of a struggling community. Laughing, I added- “While I always want what is best for you, you don’t always make me feel good, nor do I always enjoy you. But, I do and always will love you.” (more…)
Loyalty
Discovering loyalty, which, fingers crossed, will come bundled with learning to forgive betrayal- is a BIIIIIG part of my journey. Forgiveness is something I struggle to do the way my family demands grasp. Or maybe I fully understand it and am ill-at-ease with the fact that my definition not accepted, by those who do not accept me differs from those who think it means pretending It never happened. Deep sigh. (more…)
Silence
Not stoic enough to be silent or aloof, I am practicing saying and doing nothing in response to underhanded invitations to enter into indirect conflict. While I
now set boundaries for only myself, without arguing to be heard, my abstinence from standard entanglement is labelled abandonment—“cutting them off” because that is how silence is used in my family. I just say No. Or Sorry that won’t work until it no longer makes sense to say it again.
So, I have mostly quieted my mouth, but my head still spins with all the things I wish to say or stop feeling and thinking. Silence with a trusted other is golden.
A Narcissist’s Prayer
Wow...I think this is worth sharing--maybe not their prayer, just their story. Always.
Golden Memories
Thank you, Joel Osteen, for a reminder that life is about making memories. Shared experiences and connections….rather than required and posed photos with others in close proximity. I have too many photos suggestive of good times and connection and have been often saddened that the lack of posed photos in recent years is proof of the opposite. Truth, I hide from the camera because pictures can lie…or worse, they can tell the truth! For OUR 2016 Thanksgiving, however, it would have been nice to have someone snapping pictures on the down-low, of us just doing our thing, laughing, playing, being who we are. Journalistic photos are my fave. Posing genuinely 100% pains me. I wouldn’t mind some photos of us, in action, enjoying ourselves each other.
In addition to OUR sweet Thanksgiving Day, today, the Sunday after Thanksgiving (maybe the start of a ritual-memory making) we decorated both Christmas Trees, while listening to COUNTRY holiday music- taking breaks to throw football, walk dogs, and eat pizza. I experience the joy in simple moments when I am present enough to just show up. I don’t recall too many good moments in my life. I recall pretending but not feeling truly good, present, visible, and welcome. For special occasions, I must ride only with those who will help me push!
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