Go Where The Love Is
Easy Love is the good feeling that happens when something or someone pleases us. BadAss Love is a commitment, a promise. Love is kind. Love wants the best for…
Inside Jokes and Situational Nicknames
Needy as shit this week, I have been relentless- calling Sweet Greg or peppering him with texts with a word or reference to something hysterically funny, to only the two of…
Get Back Up! (again)
This position is uncomfortable and I prefer the other view. Deep Breath. I will get myself up- do the next right thing. Dogs to groomer, serve my boss, be present for the joy of preparing for my older son’s birthday party. It would be much easier to lay here indulging fantasy and regret. If I spend one minute thinking of those who might enjoy smugly eluding to their sympathy for me with each other, that is a minute wasted. Today, I am free to focus on love and kindness. I am free to be of service to someone in need. I am free to feel and share and heal my pain. I am free to be angry and to work through it, without denying it or trying to offload it onto anyone. I am free to resume this position at any time. Oh, goody. (more…)
Holiday Performances-Broken Enough to Feel, Foolish Enough to Share
Feeling concerned for the fallout of saying NO to the gracious awkward invitation to sit at the table with people who cast me out harshly and publicly and then demand request my appearance, I began researching how to proceed—even with my unfortunate and evil ways, of course. See, I am called to continually get over hurtful and damaging things directed at me. To act as if…
My non-coercibility has earned me the title of withholding, deserving, imagining, or causing the unkindness- which persists in this way, each time I show up for more. My recovery teaches me that I no longer have to volunteer for this. I no longer participate in my own abuse.
The abusive words and behaviors are denied entirely, labelled as my wrong perceptions, or defended as facts–sworn and believed to come from a place of honor and rightness– not hurt or anger. Hurt and anger are for losers like me. Broken enough to feel and foolish enough to share. Saddened I am, by the reminder that healing and hope for myself exist only in the absence of these dynamics. I suppose the relief is in knowing that this sickness is not uncommon and I am not alone. Bad news, I cant cure or change it, I can avoid it. Dear Family, I am unable to attend the 2016 Christmas Performance dinner. Please accept this as my rsvp.
Silence- Not Equal to Peace and Grace
Silence can indeed be a form of grace and peace. However, when it is the requirement or expectation by one party for another to be silent, it is oppressive and bullying. When…
Today is Difficult
I have received information- more of the sort which I feel unable to accept or change. I feel knocked down. With two little guys that count on me to get back up, I…
Love a Promise, Not an Emotion
When my boys were 5 and 6 years old, after the successive passing of two acquaintances and our family pet-
S2: Why did they die?
Me: When our bodies grow too tired and weak, our bodies die and we go to Heaven.
S1: Does it hurt?
Me: I don’t think so. We arrive whole and healthy again in Heaven-a place where all things are good, nobody is sick, mean, afraid or hurting. In Heaven, we are with those whom we love and who love us.
S2: Will King Simon get his eye back? Me: Yes, he will have both of his eyes.
S1: Do bad guys go to heaven?
Me: They do. Doing bad things is part of their brokenness and in Heaven, they are no longer broken.
S2: Do we still have to take naps?
Me: Only when we feel like it.
S1: Will you will get there before us?
Me: Typically mommies and daddies go first.
S1: How will we find you?
Me: It will be like when I pick you up from school- you are waiting behind the gate and we just find each other. I will be there. They were satisfied with that. So. Am. I.(This makes me cry each time I consider it) (more…)
Fearless Authenticity-I Heart the Dowager
Watching DTA in binge fashion, I find myself utterly and madly in love with The Dowager. Her values and poise, I do not relate to-- Irresistibly lovable for her priceless authenticity- unyielding…
Kindness Comes from the Kind-hearted
A lovely couple, from two doors down, welcomed us to the community with a platter of warm, loving cookies-and have remained consistently kind-hearted, available, and interested. To me, this is both humbling and remarkable. People often present as “friendly” for the sake of the optical but are often simultaneously disinterested and unkind.
I am definitely not a friendly person by nature. But– I have learned to be kind–not to be confused with: being social, people pleasing, or willing to hustle for my worth. Lacking a need to be perceived as friendly, people concerned with appearances are threatened confused by me. Trusted Others –recognize this: Not always wearing a smile, I will help any person in need, without being asked and regardless if I like or “approve” of them. (more…)
Courage and Vulnerability
"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they ARE NEVER weakness." Brene Brown I acknowledge, daily--that most people just aren't into this. In fact....it…