On Khloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body

While on the treadmill at the Ymca, I locked onto E!’s  Khloe Kardashian- Revenge Body.  Seems like, with consistent safety, love, connection and support, people tend to achieve more.  This is a huuuuuge differentiator–  Those who DO and those who DO NOT grow up developing connection to god, family, community, and known innate talent or favorable attributes.  Those blessed with any of these are the natural Badasses of the world, knowing and striving for their full potential–achieving greatness by their own internal measure–expanding natural talents and interests and seizing opportunities to give to and to serve–and not feeling the call to diminish others to elevate themselves.  And there are those of us, who just want to be Ok, one day at a time as we discover our talents/interests and what it means to truly be of service, to get clear on who or what it is we intend to serve.  It was  not possible for me to recognize how to strive in these ways while obsessed with efforts to avoid given threats of despair.  Despair was the only thing I had faith in, before recovery.  Before faith, I had no models of, or  experience with patience, acceptance, discipline, self-esteem, dignity, serenity.

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Boundaries are for Badasses

http://nickandzuzu.comRecovery invites me to have, recognize, and honor boundaries.  Boundaries- my spiritual skin.  I am naturally permeable and so without them everything gets right in and consumes me-leaving me full with other people’s information and needs, no mental space left for God or even for myself, only a need to invade someone else.  My spiritual skin keeps me as me and you as you, protecting us all from the confusion of entanglement. I would describe my affiliations with my ex-husband and my family of origin as entanglements that formed before I developed boundaries– and as a consequence, died natural deaths in response to this spiritual development.
My boundaries are dictated by my needs, limits, responsibilities, and desires.  Desire, I may elect to willingly flex.  I will forfeit my preference for the sake of compromise with others whom are also inclined.  My needs, limits, and responsibilities will be attended to.   If I don’t see to them, who will?  Our boundaries are our operating systems and when two people’s operating systems are in conflict, that is evidence of incompatibility.  I feel blessed to have found someone whose operating system is compatible with my own, even complimentary.  

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Problem v. Unpleasant Fact

Tonight, my sons and I saw the movie Sing, so wholesome and fun(ish)-  the film, and going to the movies for the first time ever with my two boys.  For several reasons, we do not frequent the movies.  Even with extreme noise reduction earmuffs, it felt impossibly loud to me…and it was like a meat locker in the theatre.  If not for my sons and our special event with snacks, I would’ve walked out and waited for the dvd.  The seats were plush recliners and there were only 6 others in the theatre.  Dreamy, right? Two of those six attendees were very active and distracting for someone like myself.  I became so keenly focused on the difference between a problem and an unpleasant fact.  I was cold–there was no solution, considering leaving was not an option–Unpleasant fact, must accept.  It was too loud for me, unpleasant fact.  The two active kids whose presence competed with the volume and chill of the theatre–difficult facts–Acceptance acceptance acceptance.  Before program, I regarded anyone or anything vexing as a problem to be dealt with.

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Prayer Works!

I continue ending my days by saying thank you for the blessings in my life- for each new day between the most recent indignity from my family and me.  It is a bitter-sweet reality to be free of the dynamic.  Recovery changed me at a cellular level, allowing me to unlearn things; like believing it acceptable to attack people’s personalities or character when they disturb me.  What a menacing way to be in the world.  I recall how I would hear a fantastic insult and mentally bookmark it for future use-100% sure that attacking and diminishing were necessary and inevitable responses to disturbance.  I would find someone to blame for my discontent, talk shit about, and go after them.  I forgive myself that♥ . Now that I know better,  I choose to do better and to avoid those behaving in this way.  As an adult, I am free to choose space from the raging of others.  As a mother, it is my responsibility to model practices of recovery and serenity.

I feel positive about my consistent and repeated efforts to meet for resolution….or intent to go NO Contact with my MCR’s, who are generous with damaging words and behaviors towards me.  Not gonna lie, it stings that NO Contact is preferable to resolving.  I cannot recall the last time I called someone a name or tried to diminish them.  Ok–I can, but I don’t feel good about it and it was more than 2 years ago and I didn’t rape him for a shared meal.  I was wrong in the way in which I said what I said.  My attitude was nasty and righteous.  It was a work situation in which I lost my temper and I knew better and made amends later.  For decades, I honestly did NOT know another way.  I had family, friends, boyfriends, and a husband who all do/did this.  I cant change that, but  I do now avoid it.  This is about healing not forgiveness, a concept I am striving to understand more deeply.  Forgiving doesn’t mean I am ready to have lunch with a person who I feel abused by.  It just means the bitterness doesn’t own me, anymore.  Here is a little from Anne Lamott on forgiveness.  She is a spiritual gangsta.  I savor her every word. (more…)

When People Show Us Who They Are

When people show us who they are, we should believe them.  For one week I have observed with detachment the Ex “being” friendly.  Uh oh.  This is not comforting. Cue the Jaws music.  When he is cold and critical, I remain detached. Then, I let down my guard for  the friendliness.  Beware the Broken Clock!!   I am keenly aware of the difference between FRIENDLY v. KIND.  I recognize that he is preparing to request a favor or is mid- random good mood which will come to a jarring end, punctuated by a nasty comment and/or betrayal.  Friendliness in the case of my FOO and ex, is often a strategic performance. Kindness just IS.

Today, my EX-H requested help with our boys during their next week with him.  I help when possible, but not without resentment for how freely he asks of me.  I cannot name a time he has done for me as an individual, just to be of service. He is quick to share the ways in which I earn his withholding of his duties as a co-parent along with details of my unworthiness of kindness or support.  I am supportive because it is the kind of person I choose to be.  I do not expect anything in return…but I do grow tired of the extractions; the joy of helping is diminished by the expectation and entitlement.

In an emergency, I can count on him, provided it benefits our boys.  Anything serving me as an individual, is consistently denied, if not undermined.  Ignoring my requests for logistical information, helpful for effective planning, he requires immediate and affirmative responses to random questions and personal favors.

Like my mother and sister, he’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then  go offline.  Returning with an all new topic or request.

I will help him– and he will believe that is  his due – entitlement to my support, not considering that I help, because that is what I choose to do, regardless of how I feeeeeel.  I will pray for help to release my resentment.  Being kind and helpful is Badass.

My behavior is about me and yours about you.  Why is this not a universally accepted fact?  Until then,  “YOU ARE WELCOME-Fucker“

 

Gratitude, I learned in recovery, pays it forward, not pay back, yo!

So, let’s pay it forward!

Faithful Living in 2017- Day 3

Day 3 of praying morning and night—Prayyyyying like crazy for help to elevate my thinking and my faith and giving thanks for what is. Faith is like wifiSo far– three progressively much better days! Fitness, Job Opps, Domestic Order, and QT with my bestie, all of which felt impossible while existing primarily to get through a day.  Now, having the birthday/family/holiday season in the rearview for a while,  I am breathing more deeply-breathing, something I forget to do.

While my boys grow and change almost as rapidly as my mother ages, she and I remain at our standard crossroads: Resolution v. NO Contact. I am available for either. I am wired differently from them. I missed out on the thing that would allow me to act as if –and to enjoy people whom treat(present tense) me unkindly and say(present tense) damaging things to me and about me collectively.  This dynamic, I can neither accept nor change–a scenario unaddressed by my trusty Serenity prayer.  I do accept my wiring, though I wished I had the pretending thing going for me.  Would be so much easier.

The standing rebuttal is: “Well, we all hurt each other”. True. But my wounds are not healed by the vague accusations that I too have harmed you with something that has not been directly brought to my attention yet is widely known by others.  Your wounds plus mine are compounded pain-EGGSHELLS.  Where is the healing in that plan?

I strive spiritually toward healing.  Pretending takes me away.   I will forever remain available and willing for healing together….my spiritual door open.  This is not about “FORGIVENESS”.  It is about acknowledging our own contributions so we can work toward something better.  Let us build some trust and connection.  Click here to hear what my hero Brene Brown has to say on the anatomy of trust and connection.

Showing up with willingness and courage to do the hard work of healing is 100% the type of Wholesome Badass I mean to be.  We heal together!

A New Day-New Strengths

Mary Karr— 100% Badass- courageously voicing what most dare not admit and rather not hear. Enjoying her narration of her memoir, Lit. Feeling giddy and motivated by her first, angry, tight lipped prayer: “Higher Power-where the fuck have you been?”…    “How dare I?  Finally,  showing up with machine gunfire on my ass. What business do I have praying and asking?  I am thin, white, employed, with insurance, HIV negative, with reasonably straight teeth”  hahahaha  I love you♥ Mary Karr!  Thank you for a much needed reminder of the gifts of recovery that are mine when I just show up and do the work, one next right thing at a time.  Raw. Magical. Healing. Truth.

For Today:  pray, hydrate, exercise, clean something(lots of choices, there).   Mindful cleaning is the best I can do to be meditative and silent-mentally still, opening my mind to let the universe in.

This morning, I prayed. “Please help me to feel better, to feel good about preserving my well being” Tonight before bed: “Thank you”.  Tomorrow I will do it again.   And the day after.

 

 

 

2017 Best Practices for Self-Love

While grubbing Greg’s tasty taco/nacho  “NYE dinner” – for no good reason, I clicked an email notification from my mother, a generous re-offering that I “get over it and we can be a family”.  I am over it, just intentionally unavailable for more.  Why isn’t it, instead, my older sister’s task to stop saying and doing harmful and divisive things OR to just apologize for losing her shit AT me-so we can BE A FAMILY?  Why ask why?  Yawn.  Why are you still on this topic?  Let it go, M.  Get back to Greg and your paper-plated tacos.  Your mother and sister are not interested in what you feel or need.  You need to start a new year , already.  Wake me when something actually changes.  (more…)

I Choose to Share, Heal, Expand-I Write the Ending

When a person touches us and it feels wrong, IT IS.  100% unacceptable– to be touched in ways that feel yucky, unwanted, unwholesome.  IT happening, is the beginning.  After the moment passes, the wreckage persists- governing all that will follow. My downward spiral continued until…. I realized I could no longer continue suffering, struggling, thinking, fearing as I had for decades.  The Gift Of Desperation— 100% clarity– IT(the residual insanity) shall no longer be denied or allowed to continue.  GOD and faith replaced fear and shame, as my new navigational tools.  Today, I am led by  Good Orderly Direction.

Being unable at the time to identify and articulate confusing encounters with my older sister (and later, others),  resulted in incomprehensible demoralization.  I became “inexplicably” hysterical while she remained artfully buttoned up.  And from there it unfolded.  The impossible girl who can’t cope and the seemingly unruffled older sister, going along as if her only real issue is her troubling sister.   She scored a shit-load of traction off of my hysteria.   In fact, it saved defined elevated her.    The dynamic made me want to disappear- to which I dedicated impressive efforts.  I used geography, alcohol, drugs, men, men on drugs, food-lots of food, no food.

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Letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

I have confidence that you will find countless, possibly un or subconscious ways to reject me, put me in my place before you are finished with me.  I find your support of my sister’s abuse from my earliest memories to be unforgivable.  You want peace, maybe a single effort or word, authentically suggestive of healing would be a start.  You denied me a loving and safe childhood and now knowingly behave in ways that diminish my serenity as an adult.  If your passing, is the only thing to prevent you from harming me further, well that is a devastating truth.   I will no longer allow you to cherry pick from my life- denying and attacking the parts you don’t favor and grabbing righteously at the parts that please you.  “Low hanging fruits”–keeps coming to mind. (more…)