Valentines Day Perfection- Until….

Nearing the end of a beautiful Valentines’s Day with my sweetheart, I posted this Vlog to Facebook in an effort to share something light and fun as I have been advised as best practice…light and fun.

And then, I was prompted by a tv commercial to initiate a heated political conversation in which I know we will strongly disagree. I was a beast trying to beat him into submission. I see that it was my fearful thinking that his ballot meant he was a selfish racist,bigot, fucker, while no part of his behavior has ever indicated anything close.  In the end, I just asked him to promise me that we will always be people that help those most in need.  And he said Of course, that is who we are. So no matter who the president is, it does not change the man I know him to be. It was my fear that made me behave poorly and unkindly. Thankfully, a program friend talked me down from that place of judgment.   My behavior was deranged.  I am so grateful to know and do better, even more so when I remember to.

Paying it Forward

This post was prompted by one of the volunteer Jiu Jitsu instructors gifting Gi pants to each of my sons.  When I asked if I could pay him the next day, with more grace and ease than I am accustomed to, he responded:  “Absolutely not, just pay it forward”.  What a BADASS!

In my family of origin(FOO) we are vexed by brittle and unspeakable resentments for broken, secret emotional contracts. A result of differing ideas about paying and being paid back for agreements that have not been knowingly or mutually entered by all parties.  So, if you have less or need more, you OWE for life.  I do not abide.

Because of my spiritual program, I now understand that my freely and humbly giving service to someone with less connects me to the world and life of my choosing.  Paying it forward without expectation and  recognition heals and connects me to God, myself, and others.  Connection and Paying it forward are BadAss.  Needing recognition and repayment and credit…not so much.   Love is for paying forward!

For mutually contracted deals, payback is the expectation, different from wholesome gifts and gestures.

Trying to earn worthiness and alleviate shame of feeling indebted is not love or goodness. It is void of generosity and kindness.  That thinking is sick bondage and entanglement – I am unlearning it One Day at a Time.  Today, I will pay it forward by……

 

 

 

Insanity is…

…doing the same thing and expecting different results.  By this measure, I am insane.  Less so, after attending a church service focused on love for neighbors, our fellows in need:  not turning a blind eye or avoiding.  You want to know what else is insane making?  — pretending that someone has not spoken.  I was raised by and in this and I married it.  My family and ex are not unique in this way.

Ignore it and maybe it will stop.  Why oh why would I elect to sit for a meal with people who collectively do this—and stay married and have kisses and sex with someone who shows no regard for my actual existence outside of how it serves them.  For someone like me, it will not do.  Sweet sweet Greg.  Tuned in and present, responsive- not reactive.  Where he learned this, I do not know.  His way of knowing and being make him literally divine–unlike most humans.  Thank you for teaching me Greg, for acknowledging me, believing in me, and loving me and all of my Maggie-ness, or at least kindly laughing with me about the parts of me that are less easy to love!  You are love!  I love that we never pretend or hide ourselves from each other.  xoxoxo

Feelings are not Facts

The “feelings are not facts” words do not tell me not to feel major grief and anger. Can’t get around those. It is the myriad of continuous flying feelings that hit me one after another, that need to be squelched. Like today. My feelings are like those tiny bugs that travel in packs and filling my eyes, nose and mouth. Those do not need tending to individually.

Just breathe deep and let go…and let go and let go.  I can do this- as many times as it takes.  Letting go is for Badasses and totally wholesome.  So is deep breathing, and still–completely unnatural for me.  My upbringing taught me to hold my breath and hold on for life; denied feelings and consider white knuckles to be proof of strength and caring.  I am grateful for better tools and means for showing I care.  Brut force is not a type of strength that inspires or directs me and does not work even on the tiniest of gnats.  I will not be bullied anymore.  Similarly, I will no longer bully in the ways which I once did.  Letting go of the illusion of power– of others or even me over myself is a beautiful and much needed reprieve.

Sadness- Part of the Healing Process

Today, I am deep into feeling, owning and healing from my tough beginnings in this world.  My heart is open.  And I am welcoming the new experiences with love, kindness and nurturing, where before there was no room.  Doing the work has made more space for God and love in place of fear, share, resentment.  This is the most important work I will ever do.  Healing from my dysfunctional family so that I can create a different experience for my children.  The amount of learning and unlearning seems immeasurable.  I am a work in progress.

Doing the work is very wholesome and 100% Badass!

Building and Destroying Trust

I am still contemplating the “dream” and the killing. My husband(in the dream) had the woman naked in a lucite box. He had cut her and she was bleeding and he was slowly filling the box with water turning red, and she was flailing just trying to keep her lips above the water until it filled all the way up and she stopped moving. And I knew it. And didn’t know how or whom I could share.  I had no trusted others=no hope!

 

My Dog and I are Both Canaries

Conceptually, I understand that our bodies keep the score and know the truth.  Just as I understand that our thoughts and feelings manifest as vibrations that affect our worlds, no matter how much we resist the urge to overtly act on them.  What we resist persists is certainly true of my thinking, especially when I am fixated on something which feels threatening. (more…)

When Your Mother Is Just Not That Into You

I learned today that my mother is not doing well.  She will go for a CATscan next week and then there will be information regarding the status of her health.  I suspect my sister will share the info with my ex-husband to pass on to me, which is….. whatever.   And here his the thing.  If my mother passed tomorrow, I know I wouldn’t have done one thing from the past 10 years differently.  I showed up and served and reached out time after time.  I took all the risk.   I made myself available and vulnerable for service, healing, and connection….repeatedly and was handled like a dirty diaper, because I made decisions for my family that were best for us.

My refusal to show up for dinners and events and pretending that this didn’t and does not still happen or hurt,  is the choice I make.  Will her passing change things?  It will not change my values or my responsibility for my own self-preservation.  My mother’s rejection of my requests to heal, in addition to her overt disrespect for my detachment from situations that are harmful, keep us where we are.   The presence of a loving, loyal, supportive mother will be no less in 20 years than it is today or last year.  This is a painful truth- not one I can change-just accept.

I can hear it now… “She is impossible to love”, because that feels safer than saying “I was unable to give her the love she deserved”.  Or “She was incapable of feeling love”.  Again, safer than saying, “I am incapable of being loving and vulnerable”.    Why would I want to engage or expose myself to those so utterly right, at my expense?  I Surrender!     I am no longer ashamed of the way you behave towards me.  That is your business 100%  Be right.  Just do it over there and leave me to my life with those who feel and show love for me.  Surrender is for Badasses.  I fucken surrender my mother and sister.

GPS Your Heart

Before recovery, I survived as a series of mostly unfortunate reactions.  Consumed by confusion and fear of others people’s needs, demands, and criticisms I  pinballed through my life- seeking only to hurt less.  Never still nor quiet enough to hear what was in my heart­♥.  I lacked G.O.D.–Good Orderly Direction.   What was clear and true in my FOO, I should get small and shut up(contract)-be less inconvenient…irritating.  Overly sensitive and highly strung, my presence invited my family to lash out at me for the burden of my expression of feelings.  The lashing and banishing made me become louder and more frantic.  My experiences are not universal truths, yet they are real and they are MINE.  Sharing my experience is how I connect and heal and grow.  I go where I grow.

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Together We Rise–Yes We Do

Today the world feels safer, to me.  Millions willing to speak truth to power, communicating with peaceful and united action.  I intend to
follow directions offered on Michael Moore’s Facebook page and stick close to those whose values, actions, and words are aligned with kindness and love for people.  All people. There is but one way, together.

My ♥ feels fuller and stronger.  Feelings of hope and peace almost make me feel mentally unstable– after a solid year of sustained despair. Expansion under oppression is painful.  The world is shifting– and there are those so deeply encamped, that transformation and progress feel threatening.  My prayer:  Bless them, change me.  Always.   This is ONE Wholesome Badass movement in our history.  One of many.  It is true that my spirituality  is my greatest contribution to my parenting-raising children to not sit quietly while others are being diminished or denied.  Like Glennon said, “I don’t give a shit if they get straight A’s or are popular.”  What matters is that they are kind and compassionate.  I will remind them frequently;  “There is nobody that matters more than you.”   “And nobody that matters less”.   (more…)