Letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

I have confidence that you will find countless, possibly un or subconscious ways to reject me, put me in my place before you are finished with me.  I find your support of my sister’s abuse from my earliest memories to be unforgivable.  You want peace, maybe a single effort or word, authentically suggestive of healing would be a start.  You denied me a loving and safe childhood and now knowingly behave in ways that diminish my serenity as an adult.  If your passing, is the only thing to prevent you from harming me further, well that is a devastating truth.   I will no longer allow you to cherry pick from my life- denying and attacking the parts you don’t favor and grabbing righteously at the parts that please you.  “Low hanging fruits”–keeps coming to mind. (more…)

Letter To Self

December 26,2016
Dear Self,

Re: the Matter of Your Female Progenitor and Sibling:

Enjoy the esteem of knowing, you have shown up and have given more than most can understand. You stayed. You refused the urge to retaliate and to run from what is. You stood, upright(mostly) with open arms and hands, asking begging “What can we do to improve things?” Those are behaviors of a wholesome badAss 100%.  You showed up for your family and yourself-resisting the invitation to the war they waged. They needed for you to participate in the drama and you felt the call—and resisted.  Fk yeh! (more…)

Saying Ouch

Santa surprised us by delivering a day early.  Boys received what must surely complete our collection of all the latest nerf artillery.  The Mega-Mastadon unloads a full round of 24 sausage sized bullets at high speed.  My lil SPD is unaffected by high impact to his skin.  Seriously, he had second degree burns as a toddler and barely flinched, received  most of his vaccinations without a peep and generally does not know the source of his bruises.  So, what he easily forgets is that most of us are more sensitive in this way and some people are especially sensitive…not just physically but emotionally also. (more…)

AMEN

On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 2:36 PM, <c(my sister cc’d my mother)> wrote:

amen

C Catherine G Whitney Charlotte NC

On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 12:59 PM, <m> wrote: 

Dear M,

I don’t know how many times we can tell you directly and indirectly, that the only problem is you. You have always been the impossible.   When people behave badly to you it is because you need to change….not because they have work to do on themselves. It is not that they are incapable of being loving. It is your unworthiness. Clearly. None the less, we would allow you to join US for dinner.

Meeting R. and collaborating with someone who knows you to be as difficult as we do has been like a breath of fresh air. Totally affirming. As soon as you do as we like- transform yourself into someone who does not cause others to be abusive, and withholding, we will be ready to consider this healthy connection you claim to want. Until then, there is really nothing we can or are willing to do.

It is not that we are unloving— so much as that you are and always have been unlovable. As soon as you acknowledge this and get to work on it, we will be ready for something better. If you have discomfort around us, that is your problem. why must you try to make us concern ourselves. Don’t you get it, you are responsible for your own bad feelings as well as for ours. you have no power to change or discuss, only option is to pretend. Just do it!

That you worked through a litigious divorce after a loveless marriage to move here in partnership with your ex is miraculous. To have forfeited that just by being you and all that you may have said or done in the previous 4 decades is unfortunate. We claim to not be angry but seize every opportunity to discuss with others your sins…that we are not mad about.

In spite of being the mean spirited bully you always have been, we would allow you to sit at our table. You don’t even have to thank us. The truth is we want access to your boys and will do anything to have it— but work though OUR mess. Having R. has been a nice way to circumvent this. He is so willing and accommodating. Even he might forgive you if you would just do as you are told. The boys are old enough to handle the added stress of this.

Please stop asking to heal the damage. The divisive email was necessary and we choose to be in charge of the division and expect you to just accept your lot and come when called.

Just take your well-earned licks and chalk it up to sucking and saying unfortunate things over the course of your life. You owe us.   We will never directly acknowledge or apologize for any word or action of our own.

While we have compromised the quality of our relationships with your boys, we are confident that over time we can win them with cool gifts and parties and compliments.. Rest assured this email will go unanswered as do most or we will respond affirming our rightness and your unworthiness as F. did 20 years ago and again from C. each time you refused an uncomfortable gathering over the last 10 years. We hate the way you handle your pain AND are unwilling to acknowledge that we have anything to do with the strain you feel in our company.

We like to tell others how you flipped out at our therapy session and had to leave the room. We don’t tell them why or that you were pregnant and had an eleven month old– and miscarried on that day…just that you are a disaster. Again, we would let you come back despite the fact we have insured you can never truly be comfortable with those included in the family email your sister graciously composed in order to save the family.   She would do anything for our family, including let you come back to it.

From,

 

The Collective

I received  an Evite reminder for my sister’s family dinner to which I have not RSVPd.  Feeling mis-understood and undervalued I sent the above email of what it is like for me, now living in the same town as my MCRs.  I honestly thought I might get an “Oh Dear, is that how you feel?”  or  “What can we do to make things be different?  That sounds painful.”  Historical evidence offers no reason to hope for any such response.  My mother assures me my sister wants closeness…. but I have experienced her in very non-close and safe way. Believing she had demonstrated her truth by her overt expression of her position in her initial email attack.  Her Amen is a gift.  I am be free from the lie that she is kind and wants a family relationship that is wholesome and good, free to defy the demand that I get over it and come when called.  Not gonna happen.

My sister’s email response here has cleared it up any remaining confusion(for me and those who love me).  She qualified her response in a second email by saying, “Oh, I thought mom wrote it.”  Oh, ok then, well count me in for YOUR family dinner.  Thank you for clarifying.

I am beeeeeyond grateful for the restraint to have said  nothing to her for the past months other than “please stop”.  In my program, we are reminded  “More will be revealed”.  True.  I don’t have to illuminate the truth for my mother or show her what is behind the curtains of my sister.  I don’t need to apologize for wanting to avoid righteous and angry initiatives directed at me and then denied.  Happy Holidays, yo!  A-fucken-Men—for sure!  Acknowledging the darkness is Wholesome and essential. Moving away from darkness is for BadAsses. Technically, It would be easier to deny it.  But spiritual death is not something I will model for my boys.

BadAss Friends

I turned this online quote into a lil Christmas tree reminder of what I have to celebrate this holiday season.  BadAss Friends!  Time and energy wasting, retreating from wholesome connection-  leaving myself utterly joyless and 100% unfun STOPS now.  I must redirect myself as many times as it takes- to celebrate and honor YOU!  Today, I will intentionally acknowledge the unconditional love and kindness, laughter and tenderness, of those who will openly and kindly disagree with me and treasure me.  That is BadAss Love!

In the past 18 months, I have disappeared almost entirely, from my Trusted Others OR am crying AT them to gasp in awe, with me at the tooootallly consistent behaviors of my MCRs…. pawing for validation of, or soothing from the emotional violence directed at me.  BadAss Friends listen. They love (the verb-not the feeling) They do not judge or disappear, no matter how tiring and repetitive.  Thank you. (more…)

Most Wonderful Time of the Yeeeeear

screen-shot-2016-12-20-at-11-12-55-amIt’s not the most wonderful time of the year for everyone. For those of who’ve lost family members to death or estrangement, the holidays are difficult.  To cope, some drop from bridges into oncoming traffic while others soldier through with as many drinks or slices of pie as it takes, any number of ways to numb, more socially acceptable than honestly addressing the feelings and behaviors which would be a step toward healing and lasting connection.  I stand in solidarity with all who feel weepy, anxious, maybe even ashamed at this time of year.   Disconnection, on days in which the calendar and social media are intended as proof of connection, is difficult.  I ♥Brene Brown’s live-changing TED Talk on Vulnerability.  I am not yet healed, but now on the path to healing. (more…)

Safe Distance is not Non-love

Over the summer, we discovered a rather large (imho-6 ft long) black snake in my garage.  My boyfriend and I bonded and laughed immensely over our efforts to corral it outside.  I notified Greg that if he killed it we would be finished.  He assured me he would only hit it with a hammer if needed.  And– I re-affirmed, that nothing gets killed in my home by people I trust.  I have 100% faith that our visitor was fully disinterested in engaging us, as well as non-poisonous.  It would have been less frightening I think, if it would have been lavender or stripey.  He was just a snake doing snake things-but the big and the black is something we are trained to fear.
snake1
When I shared our adventure in snake herding with one of my MCRs, her objection, to the way our snake was handled, felt like contempt– for our elected removal rather than destruction of it. She haaaates snakes.   I do not hate,weaken, or destroy things that make me uncomfortable.  In this way, I differ from the family from which I come.  I do not like snakes or bugs, but they are not the enemies.  True, I prefer them outside of my home.  But the idea of killing hurts my soul.  Even the execution of the sickest individuals who have done the most atrocious and unforgivable things pains me.
I can dislike and even fear someone or something without feeling called to annihilate.  My MCRs are far more dangerous and upsetting to me than even the most poisonous snake.   Like my visiting snake, I just need to live and let live, in safety.  Funny, each time I enter the garage, I do look for him and am almmoooost disappointed when I don’t spot him or a shedded skin left behind.  In a strange way, I love him.  Loving the things we cannot control is for BadAsses.  It is too difficult for others…  Love the verb-not the feeling.
snake2

Even The Broken Clock is Right Twice a Day

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Progress not perfection.  Check it out!  So, I purchased this can of shaving cream on clearance for $0.48 at shave-cream-trashFood Lion.  I bought 5 of them, actually.  The one shown in the trash bin was number 4 in my sequence of use.  After using only  25% of the product, it stopped putting out(for no good reason…oh wait, is it broken?)  I removed the top, and got a teeny tiny bit out. Feeling the weight of the remaining shaving cream–knowing it was in there, dammit, I wanted it, almost to the point of obsession.   To avoid being late for appointments, I brought can #5 into play which functions just fine. But– when I am showering without time limitation, I sit on that shower bench and work haaard, holding the can every which way, blasting it with hot water, using a safety pin to clear the valve, turning the dispenser top.  Total bullshit insanity.  But wait– 4 out of 27 times I have managed to extract just enough to shave an armpit, re-enforcing for me that maaaaybe, if I try hard enough, I can get just a little bit of what I need.  I know it is there.  Aaah, the broken effing clock strikes again.

Today was a turning point. Whatever shaving cream I squeeze from the can is not worth the effort.  It s broken, not a reflection of my brokenness.  There are other cans—that work!!  Honestly, that shitty purple can mocked me from the shower ledge.  I felt like a loser for– a) buying it b) not being able to make it work c) trying too hard d) giving up. This is a fantastic metaphor for my entanglement with my MCRs.  It is not necessary or healthy to try so hard to get what I need.  Letting go is not losing, it is making way for what works.  Let go or be dragged, right?  Oh….The broken clock in its many forms!

Tryyyyying too hard, that is a sign that I am forcing or denying, relying on willful determination. My need to tryyyyyy in this way can be traced back to my fears of scarcity and unworthiness.  But those, those are the lies and myths.  There is plenty of what is needed and I am totally worthy.  I am not great at everything,clearly, but I am nearly perfect at trying every day to do better than I did the day before.  Making better mistakes today than yesterday is for BadAsses.  Forcing and fearing is for bad asses. (more…)

What We Focus on Grows

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Today, I read.I  interview.  I explore career paths and interests. I am discovering that my strengths while not remarkable, are in writing, operational procedures, logistics, and configuration management.  I find deep and lasting satisfaction and effectiveness when I am engaged in these ways. I am energized.

I MUST resume a more wholesome direction- away from efforts and obsession to make things of 50 years be different.  Beneath my despair and grief of the family I never had, there is the energy of who I really am, right there with my unique gifts, to enjoy, expand, and to share.  I will be intentional today.  What I focus on grows. (more…)

No is a complete sentence.

Hi Friends,

This eCard is fantastic.  My discovery of  a calm “no”, for my ex and family of origin is new behavior- and can be counted on either to be ignored or to incite war.  Dismissal and reprisal are reminders that it is best for me to limit proximity to anyone feeling inclined to diminish or dominate in these ways.

From me, a definitive NO without anger, profanity, fear, or volume is progress.   Though apparently, it is confusing for those insistent on always being right  — accustomed to provoking me until I lose it and become  hysterical,  substantiatng my need for unkindness or mental help.  No. Nope.  Ah,Ah. Ok, sorry that won’t work out but let’s work together for a better arrangement.  It is acceptable for people to say No as needed.  Honoring boundaries is for BadAsses.  It is too much for others.

(more…)