Kindness Comes from the Kind-hearted

screen-shot-2016-12-06-at-9-13-12-pmA lovely couple, from two doors down, welcomed us to the community with a platter of warm, loving cookies-and have remained consistently kind-hearted, available, and interested. To me, this is both humbling and remarkable.  People often present as  “friendly” for the sake of the optical but are often simultaneously disinterested and unkind.

I am definitely not a friendly person by nature.  But– I have learned to be kind–not to be confused with: being social, people pleasing, or willing to hustle for my worth.  Lacking a need to be perceived as friendly, people concerned with appearances are threatened confused by me.  Trusted Others –recognize this:  Not always wearing a smile, I will help any person in need, without being asked and regardless if I like or “approve” of them.   (more…)

Courage and Vulnerability

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.
Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they ARE NEVER weakness.”  Brene Brown

I acknowledge, daily–that most people just aren’t into this.  In fact….it is frequently a highly judged deal breaker.  I am ok with not having deals with those threatened put off by “vulnerability”.  Option 1:  be judged as one who makes waves Option 2: swim with the sharks.  I choose waves over sharks.  My vulnerability serves well as a highly effective filter.  Trusted Others embrace vulnerability, their own, and others.

Vulnerability takes courage and is 100% BadAss!

This talk changed my life.  I love you,  Dr. Brené Brown.   https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

What Is Love?

 

Driving through Compton, my boys, knowing just enough about the area,  questioned a billboard boasting,  “We love Compton” inside a giant red heart.  Baffled, they asked–  “Why would anyone love Compton?”  The organic opportunity to explore and share my thoughts on love in the moment was pretty sweet– that love is not just for people and things when they please us or make us feel good– That just means we enjoy them.  The billboard is communicating that there are people who care for Compton and are contributing to better living for the families of a  struggling community.  Laughing, I added- “While I always want what is best for you, you don’t always make me feel good, nor do I always enjoy you.  But, I do and always will love you.” (more…)

Loyalty

Discovering loyalty, which, fingers crossed, will come bundled with learning to forgive betrayal-  is a BIIIIIG part of my journey.  Forgiveness is something I struggle to do the way my family demands grasp.  Or maybe I fully understand it and am ill-at-ease with the fact that my definition  not accepted, by those who do not accept me differs from those who think it means pretending It never happened. Deep sigh. (more…)

Silence

Not stoic enough to be silent or aloof,  I am practicing saying and doing nothing in response to underhanded invitations to enter into indirect conflict.  While I
now set boundaries for only myself, without arguing to be heard, my abstinence from standard entanglement is labelled abandonment—“cutting them off”  because that is how silence is used in my family.  I just say No.  Or Sorry that won’t work until it no longer makes sense to say it again.

So, I have mostly quieted my mouth, but my head still spins with all the things I wish to say or stop feeling and thinking. Silence with a trusted other is golden.

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Golden Memories

Thank you, Joel Osteen, for a reminder that life is about making memories.  Shared experiences and connections….rather than required and posed photos with others in close proximity.  I have too many photos suggestive of good times and connection and have been often saddened that the lack of posed photos in recent years is proof of the opposite.  Truth, I hide from the camera because pictures can lie…or worse, they can tell the truth!  For OUR 2016 Thanksgiving, however, it would have been nice to have someone snapping pictures on the down-low, of us just doing our thing, laughing, playing, being who we are.  Journalistic photos are my fave.  Posing genuinely 100% pains me.  I wouldn’t mind some photos of us, in action, enjoying ourselves each other.

In addition to OUR sweet Thanksgiving Day,  today, the Sunday after Thanksgiving (maybe the start of a ritual-memory making) we decorated both Christmas Trees, while listening to COUNTRY holiday music- taking breaks to throw football, walk dogs, and eat pizza.   I experience the joy in simple moments when I am present enough to just show up.  I don’t recall too many good moments in my life.  I recall pretending but not feeling truly good, present, visible, and welcome.  For special occasions, I must ride only with those who will help me push!
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The Key

Humbled and entertained to recall a time I broke my key off in the lock, and out of habit or training, I mentally condemned all who surely contributed—the lock manufacturer, the key cutter, the installer—my agitation invited me to contemplate cursing them each, individually.  It couldn’t have had anything to do with my forcing and jamming of the key.  Naaaah….Though, I do come from a long line of forcing, jamming, condemners.  I find it not possible to condemn and be grateful at the same time.
heart.key An article about the “practice of gratitude” was shared with me–starting by acknowledging each of the people whose efforts and jobs contribute to the ease and comfort of my life. I woke too early this morning and gave it a try.  First, my soft jersey sheets, thinking of those who planted and picked the cotton, those who packed it and shipped it, those who cleaned it and dyed it beautiful red, those who turned it from fiber to cloth, cut and sewed it into sheets…and of course those who made it available at Target.   It is infinite to think of every pair of hands that went into the making and buying of my lovely sheets. I intend to make this a practice and to model it for my children.  It is an simple idea and a fantastic way to be intentional and mindful of gratitude-offering a direct path out my headspace when it is unwholesome.  Often times, a trip to Target is the only thing that soothes me from troublesome thinking.  Seriously.

Gratitudemakes you want to give to the world.  Being thankful or glad something happened is different from being grateful.  For me, gratitude manifests into wholesome giving, often to those who can do nothing for me.  A giving that requires no recognition.

Gratitude is key.  Gratitude is badAss!

Best Day Ever

Keep It SimpleFirst mellllllllow Thanksgiving ever:  Greg and I grimaced over the 7 menu items actually requiring work, imagining the stress of those with a vision for exactly how the grand feast must be presented and received.  Probably, easier done without consideration for children and individual preferences.   We were relaxed about our “plan”, and still– managing timing the dishes to be throughly cooked and hot -at all at once, felt challenging.  S1 announced that he was “starving” before the meal was fully prepared. So, he ate his meal in courses, while S2 and Greg’s son played outside-before the official Feast time.

Greg did the turkey breast, cringing for removal, with surgical precision, each of the less nice parts.  I love that we are united in our stance about wiggly meat and yucky parts. I grilled flank steaks as my alternative to the traditional holiday meats.   A nice compliment to Greg’s turkey, the potatoes, corn pudding, stuffing, and green beans. For dessert for my team enjoyed pumpkin pie hidden beneath mountains of whipped cream, while Team Greg had Chocolate Cream Pie. Everybody got to be, do, and eat as they like. Now, that is Thanksgiving! (more…)

Thanksgiving Thoughts for Those Contemplating No Contact

screen-shot-2016-11-24-at-7-50-32-amToday’s post is for those who are suffering; doubting their worthiness. Nothing like special occasions to revive the myth that we, the unlovable, must hustle for our worth- that there are pre-requisites for unconditional belonging and nurturing love. There are those among us who understand and embrace our responsibility to share our experience and courage to Change the Things We Can.

Holidays, birthdays, and my wedding too, were times of dread, anxiety, and despair, and of course shame for not being a more happy and light-hearted and good person. “What is her problem?” “Why does she have to ruin everything? Why must she be impossible?” “Why cant she just smile for the picture?”  Un-ironically(Is that even a word?), I knowingly entered into a marriage equally nurturing, mirroring that dynamic, which for the first 32 years of my life, made me long for death.  Call me dramatic, whatever.  This is my story.

Looking back, I see that I was ill for most occasions. Vomiting has always been my natural and given response to stress and an immense source of relief for me.  My body knows the truth–keeps the score. (more…)