Author: Magda Gee

This author has written 594 articles

Am I an Asshole-I Don’t Think So(anymore)

I hesitate to share when things are going well because if I recap more than a single minute, I easily get spun up in the axle –the entire history of it all, IT: being the “dynamic” of my (FOO)family of origin. I was, for a stretch, enjoying the perks of total estrangement from my FOO and all affiliated, with the exception of my ex and our children, when my mother’s sister emailed Wednesday with an invite for breakfast this weekend.   Both anxiety and grief were my immediate gut reactions. It is too a complex a relationship for each of us, full disclosure and authenticity are not well tolerated and our connection is not blessed by the others, which creates hardship for her.   I believe she and I are similar in unmentionable ways (sensitive and vocal about being sensitive which troublesome to those who are not(the rest of them)) and it is just too elephant in the roomish and eggshelly for me. I am no good at that and forcing it feels more difficult than wise. (more…)

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Sweet Surrender

Yes, I am still talking about and working through this.  Healing and recovery are a process.  My sons and I recently had dinner together, with their father and grandfather, which is another freaking miracle- that my dedication to my sons is greater than my resentment of their father’s affiliation with my sister.  I officially resolve to no longer allow my female sibling’s initiatives to interfere with our family–by setting aside my feelings for my ex’s willingness, if not enthusiasm, to engage my sister’s agenda; foul for too many reasons to count or list. What she pursues, with my ex, requires our boys to participate in gatherings rooted in betrayal of their mother. I am their rock 24/7 365, their mama-bear.  Please let them be.  Honor their right to remain innocent.  Show some respect. (more…)

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Connection and Protection

As I contemplate, what specifically, I find so daunting, besides the obvious betrayal, about my sister and mother using my ex-husband to circumvent our issues: I realize that their lack of regard for creating an environment that promotes connection and a sense of safety and protection is IT.  Por ejemplo (the urge to speak Spanish struck suddenly and briefly), if you are one who alienates or disrespects others, any others, I don’t want you near my children doing what you do and labelling it love.  Desire is not love.  Control is not love.  They desire my children.    Benevolent people strive to be loving and kind as a way of life, even to those who displease them. (more…)

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It is Not About You

My sister would frequently snap:  “Not everything is about you” when I expressed anything difficult or needing.  And it made me confused in a sad and shameful way. Like it never addressed anything but the collective need for me to shut up and be different.  Under the guidance of my older sister, parents, and extended family I failed to learn about me, myself, in relation to whom I am, only in relation to how pleasing or displeasing they found me to be, mostly the latter. For example, my birthday gifts and foods weren’t about me, weren’t on my list of things I liked or wanted. I was informed that those were expressions of whom they were and what they wanted to share with me and that I should be grateful…yet their raging and diminishing behaviors were purely about me AND I should remain unaffected. I still do not really get it.  I have stopped trying–as that made me want to not live. (more…)

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Name it To Tame it

I remember feeling amazed to learn that there is a different formulation for chemotherapy depending on the type of cancer. I thought there was just a Chemo Recipe, and you got more of it or less of it depending on how advanced or widely spread the cancer was. I was also surprised to learn that where the cancer is found, is not necessarily the type of cancer it is. For example, my mother’s cancer was found in her lungs, but it originated in her ovary, so it was Ovarian Cancer and required the correct chemicals to effectively address it, it was not lung cancer, ever. In her lungs is where it made itself known.   If her Treatment Team had not been dedicated and expert at understanding the source, they may have been less effective at addressing it so completely, leaving her Cancer-Free in barely 6 months of treatment for Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer.  If they had just treated it as the cancer they first saw in the lungs, as lung cancer, it would never have been cured.  They had to name it(correctly) to tame it! (more…)

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Winners Change and Grow, Staying the Same is for the Others

I honestly had such flawed thinking and attitudes growing up.  I often felt the victim and would lash out, because in my experience with my family, I heard over and over how I made other people do and say bad things.  So naturally it stands to reason that, well, when I am forced into misconduct, it is also the fault of someone else.  Right?  Ugh.  Horrifying to look at– but so amazing to see how far I have come and what I have unlearned and managed to impart to my sons. I have been able to develop a boundary for myself to keep myself safe from attitudes towards me that are unfair, unkind, and diminishing to me.  I learned to take care of myself.  Finally.

There were no clear, consistent boundaries or routines discernible to me in my childhood home and family life.  This was confusing for me and, I believe, played a role in inhibiting me from developing vision and purpose in my life.  It prevented me from knowing what I wanted and liked.  Sustaining a state of perpetual vigilance and shame–I pinballed through life running from pain and blame and chasing anything resembling connection, without learning healthy coping, thriving, or promising relationship skills. (more…)

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BIRTHDAY MIRACLES

In spite of the tension that defines our relationship, my ex and I co-hosted a beautiful day and evening for our older son’s birthday.  MIRACLES: Our precious TRUSTED OTHERS were available and PRESENT for this day.  In addition to Will’s sweet friends and their families, my best friend of 40 years, who knows everything of me (my FOO, marriage, divorce, and the triangulation of my ex with my sister) showed up to 100% support.  I let him know before hand that she was here for US, our family, not Team Magda.  Her warm, friendly support is wholesome and badass magic.  It is painful to reflect how people in our(his and my own) families behave as if- love is demonstrated by hating your enemies with you or demonstrating and gossiping overt displeasure and coldness for people who fail to submit and revere.  But, see, my friends and trusted others have a God and souls and strive to serve and elevate others, rather than themselves.  I am crying, overwhelmed by what Mary Ann does for us– nearly certain I would struggle mightily to do for another, what she does, with what seems pure grace and ease.  I was raised differently and I am reparenting myself and unlearning as fast as I am able, in my program of recovery– learning to be open to wholesome love and to offer it and be grateful for it and to put space between anything that looks or feels like NON-LOVE….unwholesomeness. (more…)

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