AMEN
On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 2:36 PM, <c(my sister cc'd my mother)> wrote: amen C Catherine G Whitney Charlotte NC On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 12:59 PM, <m>…
BadAss Friends
I turned this online quote into a lil Christmas tree reminder of what I have to celebrate this holiday season. BadAss Friends! Time and energy wasting, retreating from wholesome connection- leaving myself utterly joyless and 100% unfun STOPS now. I must redirect myself as many times as it takes- to celebrate and honor YOU! Today, I will intentionally acknowledge the unconditional love and kindness, laughter and tenderness, of those who will openly and kindly disagree with me and treasure me. That is BadAss Love!
In the past 18 months, I have disappeared almost entirely, from my Trusted Others OR am crying AT them to gasp in awe, with me at the tooootallly consistent behaviors of my MCRs…. pawing for validation of, or soothing from the emotional violence directed at me. BadAss Friends listen. They love (the verb-not the feeling) They do not judge or disappear, no matter how tiring and repetitive. Thank you. (more…)
Most Wonderful Time of the Yeeeeear
It’s not the most wonderful time of the year for everyone. For those of who’ve lost family members to death or estrangement, the holidays are difficult. To cope, some drop from bridges into oncoming traffic while others soldier through with as many drinks or slices of pie as it takes, any number of ways to numb, more socially acceptable than honestly addressing the feelings and behaviors which would be a step toward healing and lasting connection. I stand in solidarity with all who feel weepy, anxious, maybe even ashamed at this time of year. Disconnection, on days in which the calendar and social media are intended as proof of connection, is difficult. I ♥Brene Brown’s live-changing TED Talk on Vulnerability. I am not yet healed, but now on the path to healing. (more…)
Safe Distance is not Non-love
Over the summer, we discovered a rather large (imho-6 ft long) black snake in my garage. My boyfriend and I bonded and laughed immensely over our efforts to corral it outside. I notified Greg that if…
Even The Broken Clock is Right Twice a Day
Progress not perfection. Check it out! So, I purchased this can of shaving cream on clearance for $0.48 at 
Food Lion. I bought 5 of them, actually. The one shown in the trash bin was number 4 in my sequence of use. After using only 25% of the product, it stopped putting out(for no good reason…oh wait, is it broken?) I removed the top, and got a teeny tiny bit out. Feeling the weight of the remaining shaving cream–knowing it was in there, dammit, I wanted it, almost to the point of obsession. To avoid being late for appointments, I brought can #5 into play which functions just fine. But– when I am showering without time limitation, I sit on that shower bench and work haaard, holding the can every which way, blasting it with hot water, using a safety pin to clear the valve, turning the dispenser top. Total bullshit insanity. But wait– 4 out of 27 times I have managed to extract just enough to shave an armpit, re-enforcing for me that maaaaybe, if I try hard enough, I can get just a little bit of what I need. I know it is there. Aaah, the broken effing clock strikes again.
Today was a turning point. Whatever shaving cream I squeeze from the can is not worth the effort. It s broken, not a reflection of my brokenness. There are other cans—that work!! Honestly, that shitty purple can mocked me from the shower ledge. I felt like a loser for– a) buying it b) not being able to make it work c) trying too hard d) giving up. This is a fantastic metaphor for my entanglement with my MCRs. It is not necessary or healthy to try so hard to get what I need. Letting go is not losing, it is making way for what works. Let go or be dragged, right? Oh….The broken clock in its many forms!
Tryyyyying too hard, that is a sign that I am forcing or denying, relying on willful determination. My need to tryyyyyy in this way can be traced back to my fears of scarcity and unworthiness. But those, those are the lies and myths. There is plenty of what is needed and I am totally worthy. I am not great at everything,clearly, but I am nearly perfect at trying every day to do better than I did the day before. Making better mistakes today than yesterday is for BadAsses. Forcing and fearing is for bad asses. (more…)
What We Focus on Grows
Today, I read.I interview. I explore career paths and interests. I am discovering that my strengths while not remarkable, are in writing, operational procedures, logistics, and configuration management. I find deep and lasting satisfaction and effectiveness when I am engaged in these ways. I am energized.
I MUST resume a more wholesome direction- away from efforts and obsession to make things of 50 years be different. Beneath my despair and grief of the family I never had, there is the energy of who I really am, right there with my unique gifts, to enjoy, expand, and to share. I will be intentional today. What I focus on grows. (more…)
No is a complete sentence.
Hi Friends,
This eCard is fantastic. My discovery of a calm “no”, for my ex and family of origin is new behavior- and can be counted on either to be ignored or to incite war. Dismissal and reprisal are reminders that it is best for me to limit proximity to anyone feeling inclined to diminish or dominate in these ways.
From me, a definitive NO without anger, profanity, fear, or volume is progress. Though apparently, it is confusing for those insistent on always being right — accustomed to provoking me until I lose it and become hysterical, substantiatng my need for unkindness or mental help. No. Nope. Ah,Ah. Ok, sorry that won’t work out but let’s work together for a better arrangement. It is acceptable for people to say No as needed. Honoring boundaries is for BadAsses. It is too much for others.
Love is kind-right?
Not until my older son was diagnosed at 18 months with sensory integration disorder(SPD), did I learn why I had been uncomfortable, tense, overly-stressed my entire life, particularly for family occasions where food smells and volume alone, felt cruel. The word overwhelming does not begin to describe those experiences. I came to believe I was the “pain in the ass” I was reported to be, unworthy of comfort and connection. I learned to hate who I was-at a cellular level, my existence was all wrong. I was angry and as my family likes to remind me, very difficult. Who wouldn’t have been difficult in the circumstances? Totally owning that!!!
Not knowing how to seek shelter from sensory stimulus had a devastating impact; In my family, those unwilling unable to mask signs of stress and discomfort are not be tolerated or indulged. I believe much of the wreckage of my life has its origins here, leading my fruitless pursuit for connection with emotionally remote others. (more…)
Go Where The Love Is
Easy Love is the good feeling that happens when something or someone pleases us. BadAss Love is a commitment, a promise. Love is kind. Love wants the best for…
Inside Jokes and Situational Nicknames
Needy as shit this week, I have been relentless- calling Sweet Greg or peppering him with texts with a word or reference to something hysterically funny, to only the two of…