Author: Magda Gee

This author has written 587 articles

Get Back Up! (again)

This position is uncomfortable and I prefer the other view. Deep Breath. I will get myself up- do the next right thing.  Dogs to groomer, serve my boss,  be present for the joy of preparing for my older son’s birthday party.  It would be much easier to lay here indulging fantasy and regret. If I spend one minute thinking of those who might enjoy smugly eluding to their sympathy for me with each other, that is a minute wasted.  Today, I am free to focus on love and kindness.  I am free to be of service to someone in need.  I am free to feel and share and heal my pain.  I am free to be angry and to work through it, without denying it or trying to offload it onto anyone.  I am free to resume this position at any time. Oh, goody. (more…)

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Holiday Performances-Broken Enough to Feel, Foolish Enough to Share

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Feeling concerned for the fallout of  saying NO to the gracious awkward invitation to sit at the table with people who cast me out harshly and publicly and then demand request my appearance, I began researching how to proceed—even with my unfortunate and evil ways, of course.  See, I am called to continually get over hurtful and damaging things directed at me.  To act as if…

My non-coercibility has earned me the title of withholding, deserving, imagining, or causing the unkindness- which persists in this way, each time I show up for more.  My recovery teaches me that I no longer have to volunteer for this.  I no longer participate in my own abuse.

The abusive words and behaviors are denied entirely, labelled as my wrong perceptions, or defended as facts–sworn and believed to come from a place of honor and rightness– not hurt or anger. Hurt and anger are for losers like me.   Broken enough to feel and foolish enough to share.   Saddened I am, by the reminder that healing and hope for myself exist only in the absence of these dynamics.  I suppose the relief  is in knowing that this sickness is not uncommon and I am not alone.   Bad news, I cant cure or change it, I can avoid it.  Dear Family, I am unable to attend the 2016 Christmas Performance dinner.  Please accept this  as my rsvp.

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Love a Promise, Not an Emotion

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When my boys were 5 and 6 years old, after the successive passing of two acquaintances and our family pet-

S2:   Why did they die?

Me: When our bodies grow too tired and weak, our bodies die and we go to Heaven.    

S1:  Does it hurt?

Me:  I don’t think so.  We arrive whole and healthy again in Heaven-a place where all things are good, nobody is sick, mean, afraid or hurting.  In Heaven, we are with those whom we love and who love us.   

S2:  Will King Simon get his eye back?  Me:  Yes, he will have both of his eyes.

S1: Do bad guys go to heaven?

Me:  They do.  Doing bad things is part of their brokenness and in Heaven, they are no longer broken.

S2:  Do we still have to take naps?

Me:  Only when we feel like it.

S1:  Will you will get there before us?

Me:  Typically mommies and daddies go first.

S1:  How will we find you?

Me:  It will be like when I pick you up from school- you are waiting behind the gate and we just find each other.  I will be there.  They were satisfied with that.  So. Am. I.(This makes me cry each time I consider it) (more…)

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Kindness Comes from the Kind-hearted

screen-shot-2016-12-06-at-9-13-12-pmA lovely couple, from two doors down, welcomed us to the community with a platter of warm, loving cookies-and have remained consistently kind-hearted, available, and interested. To me, this is both humbling and remarkable.  People often present as  “friendly” for the sake of the optical but are often simultaneously disinterested and unkind.

I am definitely not a friendly person by nature.  But– I have learned to be kind–not to be confused with: being social, people pleasing, or willing to hustle for my worth.  Lacking a need to be perceived as friendly, people concerned with appearances are threatened confused by me.  Trusted Others –recognize this:  Not always wearing a smile, I will help any person in need, without being asked and regardless if I like or “approve” of them.   (more…)

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What Is Love?

 

Driving through Compton, my boys, knowing just enough about the area,  questioned a billboard boasting,  “We love Compton” inside a giant red heart.  Baffled, they asked–  “Why would anyone love Compton?”  The organic opportunity to explore and share my thoughts on love in the moment was pretty sweet– that love is not just for people and things when they please us or make us feel good– That just means we enjoy them.  The billboard is communicating that there are people who care for Compton and are contributing to better living for the families of a  struggling community.  Laughing, I added- “While I always want what is best for you, you don’t always make me feel good, nor do I always enjoy you.  But, I do and always will love you.” (more…)

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Loyalty

Discovering loyalty, which, fingers crossed, will come bundled with learning to forgive betrayal-  is a BIIIIIG part of my journey.  Forgiveness is something I struggle to do the way my family demands grasp.  Or maybe I fully understand it and am ill-at-ease with the fact that my definition  not accepted, by those who do not accept me differs from those who think it means pretending It never happened. Deep sigh. (more…)

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